Our Church, The Open Door, hosts a stations of the cross art exhibit every year, and this year I volunteered to create a piece out of LEGO bricks.  I definitely hesitated until the last minute to speak up, but it’s something I’ve wanted to do for a couple years now, just never had the courage or ambition to take it on.  The station that was open was Jesus being denied by Peter.  I pulled up the related verses, Matthew 26:31-35 -

Jesus Predicts Peter’s Denial

³¹ Then Jesus told them, “This very night you will all fall away on account of me, for it is written:

“‘I will strike the shepherd,
and the sheep of the flock will be scattered.’^[a]

³² But after I have risen, I will go ahead of you into Galilee.”

³³ Peter replied, “Even if all fall away on account of you, I never will.”

³⁴ “Truly I tell you,” Jesus answered, “this very night, before the rooster crows, you will disown me three times.”

³⁵ But Peter declared, “Even if I have to die with you, I will never disown you.” And all the other disciples said the same.

Once I read that, I had a clear vision of the rooster in my mind.  I knew I couldn’t just sculpt a rooster and call it meaningful though.  I wanted the text “I will never disown you” incorporated in it somewhere.  Over the next few days I stirred up ideas of what to do with the text.  I had toyed with the idea of creating something like a 3 sided platform for the rooster, and on the 3 sides would be three different quotes of peter denying he knew Jesus, but the quotes would be too long to fit, and triangles are harder than anything in LEGO bricks.  I settled on a wall around the rooster.

I set off developing the head of the rooster first.  As luck would have it, I didn’t have to buy a single piece for this project!  That’s a first.  I had just bought 9 of the same Toy Story Pizza Planet Truck Rescue set for a class I taught that had the red bionicle 1×3 tooth that I had thought would prove to be useless in the future, but actually was PERFECT for the rooster’s crown!  The first time around on the rooster didn’t work out well for structural integrity reasons, so I scrapped that design mid way and started from scratch with a strict enforcement of adhering to ratios and spacing.  Simple is structurally sound I kept telling myself.

All told, it probably took 15 hours of work.  As far as pieces, there’s about 4,000 with all the bricks in the wall, all the technic connectors, and then all the plates for the rooster.  It’s 20″ wide, by 20″ long, and about another 20 some inches tall.

Honestly, this was one of the most rewarding, but also easy builds I’ve done to date.  Sure, there are a bunch of things I’d change, like trying to fill in all the holes in the exterior of the rooster, but some people said they really enjoyed seeing into it to appreciate the engineering work and how it all went together.  I was really nervous about 2 things before the exhibit.  First, I wondered how a LEGO work would be received by the community.  It’s not the oil on canvas or interactive piece that, I think, has become the norm.  Second, I worried about it being destroyed.  I had a 27 year old friend come over to my house, and when I showed him it, he immediately touched it and broke a piece off.  The same was done (and more so expected) when I showed it to my 2 nephews under 5.  I just envisioned people touching the piece throughout the day and rendering it a pile of indiscernible plastic, just waiting for me to come back and put it back together.  Not only did it hold up throughout the entire show, but they even moved it across the room from where I had set it up!  Brave souls who did that deed!  I had put effort in for originally planning to have the rooster balance solely on his 2 feet, which were purposely not rigid to display the horizontal details between bricks, but I decided against it in case someone decided to push it over.  Not to mention the uneven floor of the gallery space.

Here’s the “artistic statement” that went along with the sculpture:

Jesus had many supporters when he walked the earth, but he had to die on the cross alone.  I can only imagine what Jesus must have felt hearing Peter’s words but knowing full well that Peter would still disown him.  Christ not only forgives us when we fall short, but loves us without pause.  Even when his own disciples fall short after being in direct contact with Jesus, Christ still suffers and sacrifices for us;  God’s children.

Even though our words can build up confidence and pass off as strong wall against denial of our faith, our walls can still be shattered with just the slightest adverse push or pull; much like this delicate piece in front of you.

On that Good Friday, the rooster was pictured on the home page of the Post-Gazette, with a link to this story – http://www.post-gazette.com/stories/local/region/stations-of-the-cross-artists-create-their-own-interpretations-at-union-project-630228/

Growing up at my dad’s house, we had an above ground pool.  I think it was about 4 feet high and 24 feet wide.  We loved when the water got low, because that meant that  Jay Gillis was coming over with his water truck to fill it up.  He’d take the hose from his truck, hook it up to the rim of the pool at an angle, and flip the switch on his truck to send gallons of water rushing into the pool, enough to create a decent current for a whirl pool.  It was awesome.

Mr. Gillis was more than our water guy, he was sort of a family friend.  His daughter, Janna,  went to school with us at Bentleyville Wesleyan.  Jay was a quiet guy though, and I think that’s why I enjoyed him so much.  When he would deliver water for our cistern, he’d go sit on our porch or play with our dogs, and I’d go out and hang with him.  Sometimes, I’d take him something to drink.  I didn’t want him to be out there by himself.

Anyway, after my parents had split, and my brother had died, our church attendance was sporadic at best.  One summer day, we did go to church, and Jay was there.  When the pastor asked what good news anyone had to share with the congregation, Jay raised his hand and stood up.  He said that he had delivered water to us the day before, and it just brought him so much joy to see us kids playing and laughing.  I was so stunned to see the quiet guy I admired so much speaking up to everybody about us.

What’s so great about that memory is that we were able to bring him joy.  I know he’s still around, and we have a few degrees of separation socially, so he may stumble across this, but Mr. Gillis played a big role in the happiness and maturing of my childhood.  He was a man that I respected, appreciated, and enjoyed.

It’s been a while since I posted a personal update.  Things in married life go well.  New job goes well.  Thinking about going back to school in the fall.  That might be the level of detail you get in the updates going forward…not really sure.  I don’t really want to write about my life with Kallie without her involvement.  What you might see this category turn into would be a opening of the way I think or the way I act, or who I am despite my surroundings.  We’ll see how that works.

One thing that bothers me sometimes is that Kallie will get bunches of people reply to facebook status updates for her.  Sometimes, it’s people that she’s connected through me, but I don’t even talk to on facebook.  It’s not that I want the attention, it’s that I don’t understand why people are compelled to post to her messages in such volumes and so quickly too.  It lead me to believe it’s her.  Some how, people are connecting with her through her update.  She’s reaching them in a way that I’m not.

So we give science a try.  I put the blinking cursor in my status update field and told Kallie to post something as me.  Post something that she would say, if she were me in that moment.  She wasn’t allowed to reveal it was her.  We’d test if it was the content of the status updates or Kallie’s "aura" that people were drawn to.  Within seconds, we had a reply to "mmm, my house smells like freshly baked bread.  I love my wife."  Then another.  Then another from a person I barely know.  I think we found our answer.

It’s me.  I don’t know how to connect with people, or I don’t give them a clear path to understanding me to be more precise.  I wrap things in metaphor, vague allusions, or esoteric references.  Recently, my mom replied to one of my facebook status updates saying she didn’t understand my messages, and she wanted to know if it was her or even her age.  I’m fairly certain it’s actually me.  With this post though, perhaps I can shed some light on to how my mind works and even give some examples to help you better understand what I mean when I say or do something.

We’ll take it back to the days when I first started to post away messages on AIM.  I constantly got asked what they meant.  Well, I’ll tell you now and perhaps it will help you to predict my behavior.

Most of my messages were drawn from lyrics –

"I dream that she aims to be the bloom upon my misery." – This comes from a Soul Coughing song called "I Miss the Girl".  That’s basically what I was saying.

"I feel as if i’m looking at the world from the bottom of a well." – This comes from a Mike Doughty song.  It just meant that I was sad, or I felt trapped, away from the world.

"Getting lost in the fall, glimmer, sparkle, and fade." – This came from Everclear’s album, Sparkle and Fade.   I thought it was a pretty sentiment to describe moods where I felt like a life of a star; people were lucky to catch a glimpse of a falling star, marveled at it’s glimmer and sparkle, and then it fades away.  I used it to express that I had just done something I enjoyed but probably won’t do again.

  "True dreams of Wichita." – More Soul Coughing.  Meant I wanted to travel or that I had a weird dream.

"I’ll be your best kept secret and your biggest mistake." – lines that follow "can I lay in your bed all day?" by Fallout Boy.  Usually meant I liked a new girl.

"Need more friends with wings, all the angels I know put concrete in my veins." – Billy Talent lyrics.  Means I missed people or felt crappy without friends.

"Looking at the man in the mirror and telling him to change his ways." – Michael Jackson, but taken quite literally when used.

"the world through a windshield is callous and cheap.  i toss and i turn but i can’t get to sleep.  counting the hours the days that turn into weeks" – The New Amsterdams lyrics.  Usually meant that I felt like I was just waiting for life to happen.

"Some times, it causes me to tremble."  – My favorite hymn, "Were You There?".  Usually an Easter away message.

"I’m shoulder high in crap and my water wings are flat." – President of the United States of America lyrics.  Usually meant I was stressed about something.

"I remind myself of some body else’s song." – Lifehouse lyrics.  Tongue and cheek mostly.

"Awake and dreaming." – Finger Eleven lyrics.  I was being reflective.

"This is the part where we start to feel better." – Gratitude lyrics.  something was making me sad.

A lot of my messages were my own creation –

"I’m allergic to the sun.  It makes my skin change color."  – This message was usually used when I didn’t want to go outside.

"I’m a pretty shallow guy deep down."  - It’s true.

"Warning:  This aoler may be potentially unstable.  Proceed to message with caution." – I was probably livid about something.  "Livid" was also used as an away message.

"projectiling a bee of fris across a botanical plane in attempts to approach and ultimately arrive at the X axis’ limits, while not offending the Y axis’ limits, at which point those efforts are reciprocated by an opposing force." –   I was playing ultimate frisbee.

"Let’s go get stoned.  Just like how they did in the Bible." – Just thought it was funny.

Some were direct quotes from movies or literature–

"The moments we shared are lost in time, like tears in a rain storm."  -This comes from the movie "Blade Runner".  I found it profound and quite beautiful.  It’s deep, thinking that there’s no use to cry when it’s raining.

"Closing my eyes and opening my mind in the clarity of passion."  – I’m not certain which source this came from, but it may have been from the movie "Atonement".  I usually used this one when I was falling asleep content to ponder life’s questions.

"Cheyne Stoking." – This comes from an excellent movie called "Dead Man Shoes".  At one point in the movie, the main character paints those words on an apartment wall of some "bad guys" while they’re not there.  It’s a medical term to describe periods of irregular breathing; most commonly the last grasps for breath.  I liked the phrase, so i put it up.  Possibly meant that I thought I was going to die sometime/eventually/inevitably.

"In the room the women come and go talking of Michelangelo." – This is from T.S. Elliot’s poem, The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock.  I just used it to say I was talking to my smart wiminz.  Another away message I used, partly inspired from Keren’s song and the poem, was "Measuring out my life with a coffee spoon."

When I’m with you, %n, we stay up all night, and when you’re gone, I can’t get to sleep.  Thank God for these insomnias, and the differences between them."  – Remember, %n was replaced with the viewer’s screen name.  That was fun.  Anyway, I saw a performance at Heinz Hall of the Pittsburgh Symphony, and in between pieces, they would have readings and this was one of them.  I have no idea of the origin, and can’t seem to find anything through google.  It means I was in love or at least infatuated.

"James 4:8 " – The verse is "Come near to God and he will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded."  This was my personal motto.  Draw near to God, and He will draw near to you.  Life is that simple.  When I was searching for why I felt so disconnected from Christ, I simply have to [go to church, volunteer, call a friend to talk, pray] etc.  I needed this scripture during that time of my life.

"Super perfundo on the early eve of your day." – This comes from my favorite movie, Waking Life.  It’s a phrase that one of the characters has said to him in one of his dreams, but even he doesn’t know what it means.  It’s basically used as just a greeting/farewell.

"Perhaps I am a man of exceptional moods.  I do not know how far my experience is common.  At times I suffer from the strangest sense of detachment from myself and the world about me; I seem to watch it all from the outside, from somewhere inconceivably remote, out of time, out of space, out of the stress and tragedy of it all.  – H. G. Wells" – Pretty much the only good line from War of the Worlds.  I resonated with this deeply.

The rest were either weird, boring, or a mix of the above categories –

"He’s a maniac, maniac, on the floor, and he’s cleaning like he’s never cleaned before." – This meant I was cleaning.  Taken from the Flash Dance theme song.

"This away message is fleeting human contact.  both of us lost, but for a moment we’re lost together.  I wonder who you are." – I believe this to be an internet meme, but I can’t nail the true source.  It may have been that simply substituted "away message" in for grafitti.  see XKCD.

"Falto Algo." – Spanish for "Something is missing".  My boss used to say this. 

"Over the river and through the woods, to grandmother’s house I go." – I was visiting my grandmother.

"Home again, home again, jiggity jig." – I went home.

Ofcourse, there are the ones that meant I was sleeping…

"Dead.  At least to the untrained eye."

"Sleep with all the lights on." – Dashboard Confessional lyrics.  Most appropriately used when sleeping during the day  ie: night shift.

"some where between the sacred silence and sleep." – System of a Down lyrics.  Usually meant it was really late and I was still up for some reason.

"Under the Tahitian moon." – Porno for Pyros lyrics. 

"Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan" (SLEEP)" – own of my originals.  Paired with:

"Stress Induced Narcoleptic Seizures (S.I.N.S.)" – another original that I still use.

So, I hope this provides you with a little bit of a road map on being able to predict what I may be trying to convey in my own mysterious way.  Default to it being lyrics for something.  Then think that I just saw/read something that imbued me.  I’m not all that hard to figure out or predict.  I think.  Did this help?

I’m a moody person.  I think I’ve always realized this, but only recently I’m learning how much my moods, and changing of moods shape my life.  I don’t know if it’s something I should work to overcome, or something I should learn to accept as part of me…Where is the line that defines the difference between a low self-esteem and a constant desire to be more than what you are?

I was thinking that I have never given my full attention and devotion to any 1 thing for an extended period of time.  Sure, I’ve felt inspired from a book and changed my outlook on life and sometimes my behavior, but whether I’ve lost focus and drive, or was so successful in integrating that change that it now feels normal, I’m not sure.  Part of the necessity to read books is the mnemic ability to keep yourself accountable.  I don’t think I posses that skill.  That doesn’t mean I’m not going to read, but it possibly means that I don’t know how to read effectively.

At church on Sunday, I couldn’t keep focus because there was a gentlemen a few rows in front of me that was taking notes, it seemed at least, and he filled at least 5 notebook pages.  I want to know why these people take notes.  Is the simple act of writing it down enough for them to gain an extra level of retention or comprehension?  Do they save the notes?  Do the ever really refer to their notes later? How much later? Will this strategy work for me?

That’s the real question though. We all have our own tricks and skills and downfalls. At what point do we accept our abilities and deal with what we have? Do we believe that we can maintain a constant state of better ourselves in our lives? Someone could dedicate their life to improving themselves in all areas, but even then they’d probably fail to do anything worthwhile because they spent their whole life learning.

Sometimes, I’m in the mood to read. Sometimes, I want to improve my abilities to understand and comprehend. Sometimes, I’m so sick of it all I just want to give up and do nothing. Sometimes, I just want to sit around and talk about it all. Sometimes, there’s no time for any of that.

My how the time flies.  I was originally going to title this post “Wake me up, when September ends”  but we’re way past that point already.  The alarm has been ringing all month long for me to wake from my slumber, but I’ve been dreaming and watching everything move at the speed of life.

First off, the race went very well. I did it in just under 2 hours and andy did it in just over 80 minutes. I learned that I do not have the mind of a competitive runner that day. I definitely want to keep working and pushing my physical abilities though. I’m hoping for an 80 minute run next year. I was able to clear the taxi at the end though, something that I guess no one else was able to do. Here’s a picture of that.

Things with Kallie continue to grow. She got a job here in the ER at Children’s Hospital and starts November 10^th. She’s also got a nice place a few blocks from my house in the Bedford hill apartments. We’ve been traveling since she’s come here, so we haven’t had a chance to find a church together yet, but it’s certainly a top priority. She still has a lot of logistics on her plate, and I’m sure she misses everyone from Philly, so I’m trying to stay supportive, encouraging, and respectful. I am finding that I can suck at all 3 of those.

How about 4 people I know got engaged 2 weekends ago? Tis the season? Keren was one of them. They’re planning their big fat greek wedding already. Sounds…interesting.

I’ve just been so jammed packed with activity and travel that I haven’t had much time for music or for trying for my MBA. Work has been stressful as well with the market in the shape it’s in. More updates to come as they are revealed.

Birthday is coming up…turning 26…I was telling Kallie the other day, I’m actually feeling good about this birthday, and that’s highly uncharacteristic of me. I’m seeing 26 as a point of distinguished and responsible status and I’m happy to reach that level. No definite plans though, usually I take the week off and travel somewhere, but I don’t think I have money for that this year, with that $1500 truck bill I had last month. I really have to track down those holes in my pockets…

I walked down Church Street today.
I never really thought about those who were there before me.
I walked past many people who were stopped.
I felt like the outsider or scab going to work.
I walked thinking about how my bag was slowing me down,
and how that was a bad thing.
I walked with purpose and destination in mind,
but I found it difficult to get there easily.
I walked and I never looked up.
I kept looking straight ahead to see where I was going.
I walked and noticed a few people standing.
I noticed a few people.
I walked all the way to where I was expected to go,
but I never expected not to be human.

There’s certainly pros to being single, I will not dispute that.  Maybe someday I’ll highlight those too.

10.  when I go to church, it’s hard not to be looking for single girls.  That’s the wrong reason to go to church, and the distraction is usually a reason for me not to go.

9.  family always asks "what happened to so-and-so" or "when are you going to find someone?"

8.  It’s so much easier to make a good meal when i’m cooking for 2.

7.  there’s no one that has to tolerate my annoying tendencies.

6.  I always have to find something to do.  I miss the default being "hanging out with so-and-so" instead of "sitting at home by myself"

5.  My friend base isn’t expanding quite as rapidly as i’d like.

4.  Neither are my cultural horizons.

3.  It’s getting harder and harder every day to find a girl that likes bald men.

2.  eHarmony never fails to say it can’t find any matches for me.  Wonders for the self-confidence.

1.  I write blog entries like this one.

After my parents split, I got to have a day with my dad by myself.  Thursday nights.  I normally had a boy scout meeting then we’d go home and watch the simpsons.  Sometimes, we’d take a drive out past Malden crossroads and up a hill to the left past a church to a dead end road and watch route 43 being built.  We actually watched roads being built a lot together.  I remember taking Serah and Nathan to watch them build an on ramp from 43 to interstate 70.  I dunno if the smell of freshly poured concrete is my second favorite smell (behind the aroma of a tobacco pipe) because of the nostalgic quality or if it really is just something I like.  I always liked watching the bobcat dig out the basement of my dad’s house and the smell of the concrete mix the guys used to build the walls and floor.  But back to those Thursday nights…those were sacred.  I can’t think of any bad times on those nights.  I got to hang out with my dad and do something we both enjoyed.  He tried, I know he did.  Sometimes, we’d even go and play raquetball at the YMCA while serah and J’aime would run or play basketball.  I think that if our relationship would have kept going, we would have had some good father-son talks watching roads being built.  We never left that dead end road though.  How metaphoric…

I walked over to the North Side yesterday to play basketball at the Allegheny Center Alliance Church and I walked through the Allegheny Center mall…That place is like walking through the set of 28 days later.  There’s no one there.  Stores are empty.  THIS IS A MALL.  I felt like I was walking through some sort of quarantined area, and it’s 4 o’clock in the afternoon!  The whole area is just dead and creepy.  It’s totally wild to see such a big area completely abandoned.  Even the old Carnegie Free Library has a sign on it that says "Closed indefinitely."  That’s nuts!  What happened here???  It’s almost like this area has a dark secret in it’s past and no one is talking about it.

Maybe all the development on the North Shore will revive that place.  The Steelers are in talks with a west coast developer to bring in some sort of venue/entertainment complex next to Heinz Field.  You’ve got Don Barden’s casino going in.  Another hotel going in by PNC Park.  The North Shore connection with the T to be finished in 2011.  If I were to make a prediction, I’d say that once the river front of the North Side is developed in the next 5 years, the West End/Station square side is going to BOOM.  When I say BOOM, I mean it.  The attraction of that side of the river(s) is that there’s nothing there right now.  Developers will be able to plan huge buildings, not worry about closing roads and such, and have a clean canvas to work with.  I haven’t heard anything about that Pittsburgh maglev project for a while either…

GAD! I’m broken. Andrew Bonnell emailed me friday and asked if i’d play basketball for his church league on saturday, and i was excited to accept. I haven’t played for so long, but i was making shots in warm up, i started, made a few points, some good plays, but i wasn’t “in the zone” yet. Not until the 3rd quarter did i start getting my rhythm back. At one point, i got a burst of energy, made a quick steal, went down for the dunk, but when i landed, i mess up somehow. To be honest, I don’t remember what exactly happened. I don’t know if i landed funny, hit the wall first (it was close to the out-of-bounds), landed but then tripped, i have no idea. All I know (now) is that there is a loose bone chip in my ankle, i have a splint on, and I’m going to see a specialist later this week who will probably put a caste on me. ugh. I have never been so disabled. I am going to have crutches for at least 6 weeks. Even colorado’s spill last year was fine compared to this. bright side – Dr. said probably no surgery needed, and I have a handicap accessible bathroom with a rail by the tub and a removable shower head, so that should make this easier, and i also get to park in the primo spot at work.

speaking of colorado though, i was planning on going out again march 10-18th. That’s on the rocks now. I won’t have time to go skiing in prep beforehand now, and my muscles are going to be weak, and that’s assuming i’m out of my caste by then. So i guess i’ll have to wait and see what the specialist says and see how the healing goes. effing blows. I also wanted to go to vegas over that same time frame, splitting time between the two, so i guess that’s kinda up in the air too. I posted 2 pics of my ankle in the gallery. I also wanted to start volunteering at the hill house in some manner, but i don’t know if i will like this. bah! I say bah!

glad i took the semester off from school. lost my Pitt ID though…so that sucks since i used it to ride the bus for free now and then, and i used it for penguins student rush…and i fear robert morris won’t give me an ID since i’m not registered this semester…we’ll see. I wish i could just find my pitt ID.

been spending time with a female as well…we’re getting to know eachother still, but i’m excited. She hasn’t signed the waiver yet, so i can’t say too much.