A killer returns to his father only to shed tears
A soldier returns to his father only to tell of his fears
A lawyer returns to his father only to share his lies
Because amends must be made before my father dies
A lover returns to his father to share what he scorns
A doctor returns to his father to cry that he mourns
A teen returns to his father to confess he isn’t ready to be a man
But when we think it safe to return, it starts back up again

Like a son without a father

Like a father without a son

Like a tombstone without a grave

Like a grave with out a tombstone

I will march forward and be brave

I will stand alone

I will be that landscape blotter

Until the end has come



And we will continue on our lives

And we will continue on our lives

Insisting left is right and right is wrong

Insisting left is right and right is wrong

A man will die living for which he strives

A man will die living for which he strives

And he will be remembered for long

And he will be remembered for long

Like a father without a son

Like a son without a father

Like a grave with out a tombstone

Like a tombstone without a grave

I will stand alone

I will march forward and be brave

Until the end has come

I will be that landscape blotter

today was an emotionally draining day.  all is well though.  slept at my mom’s last night, woke up to return to the city around 10.  Brought a dolly back from my mom’s to help me wheel in the deep freezer i bought off craigslist yesterday.  I always told kallie that we can justify more freezer space when there were more than just 2 of us.  When she told me she was pregnant, I knew I had to make good on that promise.

Deirdre came over around noon and we talked and kind of caught up on what’s been going on with each other.

It doesn’t even feel like Christmas eve.  It’s silly warm outside.  Without anyone else reminding me about it, it’s easily forgotten.

Talked to Kallie for a bit around 4:30.  She comes back late Tuesday night and I think we both want it to come quickly.

I was supposed to play bass at church tonight, but they couldn’t get a drummer, so it didn’t really make sense for me to play.  As a result, I lost motivation to go as our holiday services are usually pretty thin.  I want to celebrate the birth of Jesus, but I need to find my own way to do that it seems because just going through the motions, traditions, and symbolic rituals seem to distract me from the tangible reality of the coming of our Savior.

I’m starting to think more about my daughter.  I’ve been focusing on having a baby, that i’d have to feed, change diapers, and all that jazz.  I was also aware of the stress of having a teenage daughter, keeping away the boys, but what I’ve forgotten about is that time in the middle.  There’s going to be a girl that will instinctively look to me for direction and also admire me, provided I do my job right.  I’m going to have a relationship with this girl.  I’m going to want to make her happy, I’m going to love her, and she’ll love me.  I’m going to have to learn about her, what she likes, what interests her.  It’s not just me changing her diapers or telling her what to do, it’s relational and even more organic than a rule setting father.  I decided I wanted to buy her a stuffed animal.  I want her to have something that she connects as being given to her from her dad[ddy].

I started repairing some damage ceiling parts in the office, started tearing down some stuff, but then realized the last time I used the joint compound, the lid was on tightly and it all dried up.  Quick hop online found that home depot is closed until Monday.  I had been hoping to get some painting done today and tomorrow so it would be dry by the time Kallie came back and the fumes would be gone.  Not sure what I’m going to do about that yet.  I started doing some other things on my list, but I’m really quite exhausted already.

9pm  – I’m spent.  Merry Christmas to everyone.  Good night.

When my dad passed away in December 2004, I had already not been talking to him for years.  During those years of not talking to him, I’d visit my grandma and she’d always tell me that I needed to make amends with him before something happened to him.

As I’m preparing to become a father myself, it strikes me funny that her warning were never “make amends because you need a father.”  I saw my relationship with my father as doing more damage than it was worth to maintain.  Truth be told, I still maintain that stance, but I am now ready to admit that I did not have a full picture of what a father has to offer, or even what a father’s role is.

I have so many questions.  Sure I can ask my mom as much as she’s comfortable with, or even my uncle, but they’re not my dad.  I have a step-dad, that is more like a good friend than an authority in fatherhood.  All this to say, I have sources that can serve as replacements, but they’ll never fill the shoes of my dad.  That’s not a result of my actions, or his, at this point either.  God called him home, and I don’t have to understand the purpose.

All I know, after more than 10 years, for the first time, I think I’m missing my dad.  I’m missing my dad, but also missing a dad.  That’s sobering, because you can get new best friends, but you will never get a new dad.