Don’t ruin a good story with the truth.

I was at work walking from my cube to the elevators and I passed 2 guys I know talking about eye doctors who wear glasses instead of contacts having no expertise to share with people who wear contacts.  As I passed them, directly on the other side of a cube wall next to them is a Blackberry support girl who was on the phone with a caller.  The girl and the 2 guys were no more than 3 feet away from each other, separated only by a 3 inch thick, 5 foot tall cube wall.  Right as I was even with the cube wall, the girl and one of the guys said “contacts” at the same time.  It was like the intersection of a sine and cosine wave.  2 completely different contexts and conversations intersecting in verbal harmony.

To top it off, as I’m writing that paragraph, my coworker came over and said “Sorry I’m late, I was talking to my contacts over in another department.”

This post was going to start off as a bit of a stupid people rant, but a few people redeemed it from frustration and dragged it into entertaining.  Possibly, the sheer ridiculousness of the entire thing brought it to the ‘funny’ category too.

Yesterday, I got this email:

From: Katlyn Fergus
Sent: July 7, 2011 5:40 PM
To: pnc_ach (pnc_ach@mail.rmu.edu)
Subject: Activation code

I have not received my activation code?

Thanks

Katie Fergus

My initial reaction was, “is this some sort of phishing scam?” Then I looked at the To line, and that means that either I’m somehow BCC’d on this email or that someone has my Robert Morris (rmu.edu) email on a stupid group email distribution. Sadly, it was the latter, and what ensued was ~120 reply all circle of choas and mayhem. So many Hall’s rules of Social Order were broken.  It didn’t stop until 7:01 PM.

0 replies from Katie Fergus

3 men asking if there are any single ladies

1 man asking if there are any single men

9 People replying “stop replying all!”

3 people replying more than once to “stop replying all!!”

31 people replying all requesting to be removed from the email list.

2 people replying all requesting to be kept on because they liked getting all the emails

18 people simply stating they were confused, not sure why they were getting the email(s), or asking why they were getting the email(s)

4 People placing (undeserved) blame on PNC and/or Katie Fergus

8 ”IT Guys” explaining (or attempting to explain) what was going on and what needed to happen to fix it for everyone

2 Actual RMU IT guys sending the same exact message explaining what the problem was and that it would be fixed soon.

5 People replying with reference to needing more activation codes, getting Katie her activation code, or saying they don’t need any activation codes.

1 Suggestion that you should have to pass an I.Q. test to gain access to the reply all button  (I wish this had a facebook like button)

3 “Shout outs” to friends or people on the email distribution

1 porn site registration confirmation email to pnc_ach@mail.rmu.edu

Some of the funnier replies:

WAIT!  EVERYONE STOP FOR A SECOND!

People still use blackberries?!

We must have the activation code

RMU SUCKS!

Poop.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IUZUImChHJE (I thought for sure this would have been a Rick Roll)

I like turtles

Here’s an example of one of my peers in my masters degree program.  We have our first group assignment, and groups were chosen by the professor.  Granted, there was some confusion on how to use the online system and communicate to multiple people, but this is the email she sends out…

hello all I have made this list for us as I have so many email address’s coming I’m not sure no more who they belong too.

please only use my Comcast  email as I am getting double emails and this is already to confusing .
also please tell me in one email what you need me to do as I have so many emails right now I don’t know which one to use to do the assignment. or what I need to do within the assignment project

That was a big WTF for me.  Even bigger though, was the (seemingly random) image that was attached to it:

WTF indeed.

If you can look at 3 pages of I Can Haz Cheezburger without being even slightly entertained, you have no soul.

A malapropism (AKA dogberryism or acyrologia) is a phrase or word that can substitute to sound like another word phrase. Just like when you have some misheard song lyrics (These are called mondegreens btw), usually these have funny stories if they come up in real life situations. Here are a few examples of ones I’ve come across:

While on a tour at a winery, the tour guide was showing the different sizes of bottles and what they are called and used for. He pointed to a very large one and I swore he said, “This one is the annihilator.” What he really said was, “This one is the nine liter.”

Mahatma Gandhi walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that his feet
became quite thick and hard. He also was quite a spiritual person.
Even when he was not on a hunger strike, he did not eat much and
became quite thin and frail. Due to this diet, he wound up with very
bad breath. Therefore, he came to be known as a . . .

Super calloused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis.

Do you have any examples of #phrases that sound like other phrases?

When I bought my house in the Hill District of Pittsburgh, my roommate, Jordan, and I noticed that there were always people huddled around this building at the corner of Wylie Ave and Erin Street.  We were unsettled, but also a little curious as to what was really going on there.  Jordan asked my neighbor, Sonny, what the deal was.  Sonny simply answered, "That’s a jitney station."  That didn’t help us much, and I think he could tell by the look on our faces. 

He went on to explain, if you don’t have a car, you walk to the jitney station and someone there will give you a ride.  It’s like an open market taxi service.  People use their own cars to delivery people where they want to go.  So some of the people that congregate there are people that want a ride, and some are people waiting to give people rides somewhere, and the rest are probably people that just like to be around other people.  If you have spent any time in the Hill, you know how much truth there is to the latter.

That’s part of the culture of the Hill District; The people.  Even the jitney by essence exemplifies the focus of people interacting with people on their own accord.  It’s funny how…let me phrase this properly…whites…caucasions…suburbanites?….sheltered people…people who are scared of the Hill are scared of the unknown…but that they’d probably end up being more afraid of how congenial and engaging people are.  It’s crazy to witness how far out of the way someone will go just to make sure the person they went to high school with 20 years ago hears them say "Hi!" to them.  Everyone knows everyone in the Hill.

August Wilson wrote about the culture of the Hill District in his plays.  That’s probably where the term "jitney" has gained most of it’s popularity.  August’s childhood home is a couple blocks from me, in a state of much disrepair. (here’s a pano from Steve Mellon – http://www.post-gazette.com/pg/08105/872496-429.stm )

It’s sad to see how much importance social interaction is in the Hill District and how much culture is valued, but how little is actually being done to preserve it.  It’s almost a paradox way of life.  How can you value both the present day person as they grow into the future, when they identify so strongly with staying connected to the past.  Certainly a deeper question than what I wanted to cover in this post, but it’s there.

More on August Wilson and his plays – http://www.post-gazette.com/pg/10127/1056192-325.stm?cmpid=newspanel0

I’ve told this story to only a few people.  You might be a little grossed out, but it’s pretty funny.

Sometime when I was in college, my cousin, Adam, invited me to take a trip to Cedar Point with a bunch of his friends.  We met up at like 6 am and drove out to the park.  I was just getting over a bit of a cold, but it wasn’t all that bad, just needed to blow my nose every few hours or so.  We got in line for the Mantis, which is one of the better rides in the park.  The line was unusually long, but it was definitely worth the wait.  If you’re familiar with the ride, it does this fantastic set of 3 inverted loops for the finale.  The G force is so intense and that fact that you’re standing up makes it completely different from anything you’ve felt before.

What made this ride so memorable was what happened during those loops.  Standing in line for so long, sniffing my snot, didn’t seem like that much of a worry.  As soon as I hit those loops though, my nasal passages had nothing of a fight against gravity.  Snot went everywhere.  It was along the sides of my face, on my shoulder, and by the screams of “EWWWWWW!!!” behind me (I was in the front), I’m pretty sure some people got a present as well.  The fortunate thing (for me, at least) is that you do those loops on top of a body of water, so it’s not uncommon to get hit with some moisture.  I don’t think anyone knew what happened, until I told Adam, much much later.

It’s been a while since I posted a personal update.  Things in married life go well.  New job goes well.  Thinking about going back to school in the fall.  That might be the level of detail you get in the updates going forward…not really sure.  I don’t really want to write about my life with Kallie without her involvement.  What you might see this category turn into would be a opening of the way I think or the way I act, or who I am despite my surroundings.  We’ll see how that works.

One thing that bothers me sometimes is that Kallie will get bunches of people reply to facebook status updates for her.  Sometimes, it’s people that she’s connected through me, but I don’t even talk to on facebook.  It’s not that I want the attention, it’s that I don’t understand why people are compelled to post to her messages in such volumes and so quickly too.  It lead me to believe it’s her.  Some how, people are connecting with her through her update.  She’s reaching them in a way that I’m not.

So we give science a try.  I put the blinking cursor in my status update field and told Kallie to post something as me.  Post something that she would say, if she were me in that moment.  She wasn’t allowed to reveal it was her.  We’d test if it was the content of the status updates or Kallie’s "aura" that people were drawn to.  Within seconds, we had a reply to "mmm, my house smells like freshly baked bread.  I love my wife."  Then another.  Then another from a person I barely know.  I think we found our answer.

It’s me.  I don’t know how to connect with people, or I don’t give them a clear path to understanding me to be more precise.  I wrap things in metaphor, vague allusions, or esoteric references.  Recently, my mom replied to one of my facebook status updates saying she didn’t understand my messages, and she wanted to know if it was her or even her age.  I’m fairly certain it’s actually me.  With this post though, perhaps I can shed some light on to how my mind works and even give some examples to help you better understand what I mean when I say or do something.

We’ll take it back to the days when I first started to post away messages on AIM.  I constantly got asked what they meant.  Well, I’ll tell you now and perhaps it will help you to predict my behavior.

Most of my messages were drawn from lyrics –

"I dream that she aims to be the bloom upon my misery." – This comes from a Soul Coughing song called "I Miss the Girl".  That’s basically what I was saying.

"I feel as if i’m looking at the world from the bottom of a well." – This comes from a Mike Doughty song.  It just meant that I was sad, or I felt trapped, away from the world.

"Getting lost in the fall, glimmer, sparkle, and fade." – This came from Everclear’s album, Sparkle and Fade.   I thought it was a pretty sentiment to describe moods where I felt like a life of a star; people were lucky to catch a glimpse of a falling star, marveled at it’s glimmer and sparkle, and then it fades away.  I used it to express that I had just done something I enjoyed but probably won’t do again.

  "True dreams of Wichita." – More Soul Coughing.  Meant I wanted to travel or that I had a weird dream.

"I’ll be your best kept secret and your biggest mistake." – lines that follow "can I lay in your bed all day?" by Fallout Boy.  Usually meant I liked a new girl.

"Need more friends with wings, all the angels I know put concrete in my veins." – Billy Talent lyrics.  Means I missed people or felt crappy without friends.

"Looking at the man in the mirror and telling him to change his ways." – Michael Jackson, but taken quite literally when used.

"the world through a windshield is callous and cheap.  i toss and i turn but i can’t get to sleep.  counting the hours the days that turn into weeks" – The New Amsterdams lyrics.  Usually meant that I felt like I was just waiting for life to happen.

"Some times, it causes me to tremble."  – My favorite hymn, "Were You There?".  Usually an Easter away message.

"I’m shoulder high in crap and my water wings are flat." – President of the United States of America lyrics.  Usually meant I was stressed about something.

"I remind myself of some body else’s song." – Lifehouse lyrics.  Tongue and cheek mostly.

"Awake and dreaming." – Finger Eleven lyrics.  I was being reflective.

"This is the part where we start to feel better." – Gratitude lyrics.  something was making me sad.

A lot of my messages were my own creation –

"I’m allergic to the sun.  It makes my skin change color."  – This message was usually used when I didn’t want to go outside.

"I’m a pretty shallow guy deep down."  - It’s true.

"Warning:  This aoler may be potentially unstable.  Proceed to message with caution." – I was probably livid about something.  "Livid" was also used as an away message.

"projectiling a bee of fris across a botanical plane in attempts to approach and ultimately arrive at the X axis’ limits, while not offending the Y axis’ limits, at which point those efforts are reciprocated by an opposing force." –   I was playing ultimate frisbee.

"Let’s go get stoned.  Just like how they did in the Bible." – Just thought it was funny.

Some were direct quotes from movies or literature–

"The moments we shared are lost in time, like tears in a rain storm."  -This comes from the movie "Blade Runner".  I found it profound and quite beautiful.  It’s deep, thinking that there’s no use to cry when it’s raining.

"Closing my eyes and opening my mind in the clarity of passion."  – I’m not certain which source this came from, but it may have been from the movie "Atonement".  I usually used this one when I was falling asleep content to ponder life’s questions.

"Cheyne Stoking." – This comes from an excellent movie called "Dead Man Shoes".  At one point in the movie, the main character paints those words on an apartment wall of some "bad guys" while they’re not there.  It’s a medical term to describe periods of irregular breathing; most commonly the last grasps for breath.  I liked the phrase, so i put it up.  Possibly meant that I thought I was going to die sometime/eventually/inevitably.

"In the room the women come and go talking of Michelangelo." – This is from T.S. Elliot’s poem, The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock.  I just used it to say I was talking to my smart wiminz.  Another away message I used, partly inspired from Keren’s song and the poem, was "Measuring out my life with a coffee spoon."

When I’m with you, %n, we stay up all night, and when you’re gone, I can’t get to sleep.  Thank God for these insomnias, and the differences between them."  – Remember, %n was replaced with the viewer’s screen name.  That was fun.  Anyway, I saw a performance at Heinz Hall of the Pittsburgh Symphony, and in between pieces, they would have readings and this was one of them.  I have no idea of the origin, and can’t seem to find anything through google.  It means I was in love or at least infatuated.

"James 4:8 " – The verse is "Come near to God and he will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded."  This was my personal motto.  Draw near to God, and He will draw near to you.  Life is that simple.  When I was searching for why I felt so disconnected from Christ, I simply have to [go to church, volunteer, call a friend to talk, pray] etc.  I needed this scripture during that time of my life.

"Super perfundo on the early eve of your day." – This comes from my favorite movie, Waking Life.  It’s a phrase that one of the characters has said to him in one of his dreams, but even he doesn’t know what it means.  It’s basically used as just a greeting/farewell.

"Perhaps I am a man of exceptional moods.  I do not know how far my experience is common.  At times I suffer from the strangest sense of detachment from myself and the world about me; I seem to watch it all from the outside, from somewhere inconceivably remote, out of time, out of space, out of the stress and tragedy of it all.  – H. G. Wells" – Pretty much the only good line from War of the Worlds.  I resonated with this deeply.

The rest were either weird, boring, or a mix of the above categories –

"He’s a maniac, maniac, on the floor, and he’s cleaning like he’s never cleaned before." – This meant I was cleaning.  Taken from the Flash Dance theme song.

"This away message is fleeting human contact.  both of us lost, but for a moment we’re lost together.  I wonder who you are." – I believe this to be an internet meme, but I can’t nail the true source.  It may have been that simply substituted "away message" in for grafitti.  see XKCD.

"Falto Algo." – Spanish for "Something is missing".  My boss used to say this. 

"Over the river and through the woods, to grandmother’s house I go." – I was visiting my grandmother.

"Home again, home again, jiggity jig." – I went home.

Ofcourse, there are the ones that meant I was sleeping…

"Dead.  At least to the untrained eye."

"Sleep with all the lights on." – Dashboard Confessional lyrics.  Most appropriately used when sleeping during the day  ie: night shift.

"some where between the sacred silence and sleep." – System of a Down lyrics.  Usually meant it was really late and I was still up for some reason.

"Under the Tahitian moon." – Porno for Pyros lyrics. 

"Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan" (SLEEP)" – own of my originals.  Paired with:

"Stress Induced Narcoleptic Seizures (S.I.N.S.)" – another original that I still use.

So, I hope this provides you with a little bit of a road map on being able to predict what I may be trying to convey in my own mysterious way.  Default to it being lyrics for something.  Then think that I just saw/read something that imbued me.  I’m not all that hard to figure out or predict.  I think.  Did this help?

It’s been a while since I’ve put up a post in the "memories" category.  I was thinking about times I’ve almost died.  There aren’t many, I think, but still something worth sharing.

When I was in high school, I dug up my Uncle Jay’s 250 watt 15" Pevey bass amp from my dad’s barn.  The funny thing about this amp was that it didn’t have a ground wire in it.  It just had a 2 prong plug.  I ended up cutting off the plug since it was damaged and put a new grounded plug on the end, which at least gave me a sense of security that it wasn’t going to come out of the wall.

Later on, my Uncle Kenny gave me my first 4 string base.  IT was a black "series 10" bass.  Nothing special about it, but it did the job.  I had gotten it in my head that I’d like a natural wood finish instead of the black matte, so I got some sand paper and started to go to town on the bass.  This was a lot of work.  When it got time to get around the pickups and bridge, I had to undue the strings.  I had the bass plugged into the amp, and the amp on, just so I could hear the awesome tones as I detuned.

So there’s me, in a damp basement, sitting in a metal chair, next to a 250 watt bass amp, that’s plugged into a surge protector on the floor next to me with a bunch of other devices, and 4 nickel wound, 1/8-1/4 inch diameter bass strings flopping around in my lap.  As luck would have it, something like the alarm clock was barely plugged in to the surge protector, and one of the strings found it way in the gap.  You want to know how I was sure something was wrong?  Because one of the base string starting glowing bright orange.  I jumped out of my seat, which was enough to move the bass string, but after some damage to the surge protector, which I still use today.  Here it is:

I think that counts as almost dying.