Don’t do or say anything you wouldn’t have your mother know.

today was an emotionally draining day.  all is well though.  slept at my mom’s last night, woke up to return to the city around 10.  Brought a dolly back from my mom’s to help me wheel in the deep freezer i bought off craigslist yesterday.  I always told kallie that we can justify more freezer space when there were more than just 2 of us.  When she told me she was pregnant, I knew I had to make good on that promise.

Deirdre came over around noon and we talked and kind of caught up on what’s been going on with each other.

It doesn’t even feel like Christmas eve.  It’s silly warm outside.  Without anyone else reminding me about it, it’s easily forgotten.

Talked to Kallie for a bit around 4:30.  She comes back late Tuesday night and I think we both want it to come quickly.

I was supposed to play bass at church tonight, but they couldn’t get a drummer, so it didn’t really make sense for me to play.  As a result, I lost motivation to go as our holiday services are usually pretty thin.  I want to celebrate the birth of Jesus, but I need to find my own way to do that it seems because just going through the motions, traditions, and symbolic rituals seem to distract me from the tangible reality of the coming of our Savior.

I’m starting to think more about my daughter.  I’ve been focusing on having a baby, that i’d have to feed, change diapers, and all that jazz.  I was also aware of the stress of having a teenage daughter, keeping away the boys, but what I’ve forgotten about is that time in the middle.  There’s going to be a girl that will instinctively look to me for direction and also admire me, provided I do my job right.  I’m going to have a relationship with this girl.  I’m going to want to make her happy, I’m going to love her, and she’ll love me.  I’m going to have to learn about her, what she likes, what interests her.  It’s not just me changing her diapers or telling her what to do, it’s relational and even more organic than a rule setting father.  I decided I wanted to buy her a stuffed animal.  I want her to have something that she connects as being given to her from her dad[ddy].

I started repairing some damage ceiling parts in the office, started tearing down some stuff, but then realized the last time I used the joint compound, the lid was on tightly and it all dried up.  Quick hop online found that home depot is closed until Monday.  I had been hoping to get some painting done today and tomorrow so it would be dry by the time Kallie came back and the fumes would be gone.  Not sure what I’m going to do about that yet.  I started doing some other things on my list, but I’m really quite exhausted already.

9pm  – I’m spent.  Merry Christmas to everyone.  Good night.

This one will be a story, within a story…where’s Christopher Nolan when you need him?

I wanted to make some martini one night, and I didn’t have any vodka.  Deirdre and Jordan were out and planning on coming over later, so I asked them to swing by the state store to pick up some vodka for me.  They wound up at my mom’s house, got distracted and lost track of time, and the wound up staying late enough to miss their chance to stop at the state store on their way home.  They mentioned their predicament to my mom, and she said that she thought she actually had a bottle of vodka that they could have.

The fact that my mom had a bottle of vodka was unusual alone, but as we would find out, this bottle of vodka was no ordinary bottle of vodka.  She went into her bedroom and pulled a tall blue box from her closet.  This box had been in her closet for about 10 years, when it came from my grandfather’s kitchen, where it had been sitting for another 20 or so years.

As the story goes, when my parents were living in Maryland, near Washington, D.C. in the late 70s,  my grandmother had gone down to spend some time with them around Christmas.  While she was down there, they went to the mall, and in one of the stores, my grandmother found a lady’s purse with a wallet in it.  My grandmother took it to the counter, but with her faith in humanity, she decided she did not trust the clerk not to take the cash, so she decided she would take the responsibility to return it to its owner herself.  They went home, looked up the person in the phone book, and the lady on the other end was delighted to know she had her wallet!  The lady gave her address to my grandmother to return it in person.  As they approached the house, they realized this was The USSR Ambassador’s house, and the lady’s wallet was the ambassador’s wife.  In exchange for the good deed, my grandmother was given this box of vodka, straight from the U.S.S.R.

And here it sits; unopen and slowly becoming a part of world history as an product of a country that no longer exists.  I was flabbergasted that my mom would just send this 35 year old bottle of vodka up and expect me just to crack it open and drink it.  This is a unique item!  this is an heirloom!

We all grow up, but some of us never leave home.  Some of us will always remain close to where we grew up.  It’s not a bad thing either way, sometimes it’s born out of necessity.  I know a lot of people who moved so far away from home, but they ended up moving back.

WTF is up with trash bag sizing?  Why can’t we have standards here?  My whole life, I’ve struggled with the trash bag being too small and falling into the can, and then all the grossness builds up as it falls between the bag and wall and to the bottom of the can.  Either that, or the bag is too big and you end up either filling over the capacity of the can which causes garbage to topple to the floor or you end up just wasting potential storage capacity of the bag.  It’s ridiculous.

here’s another memory of when I almost died, or at least, almost caused severe bodily damage to myself.  Twice.

I was changing the tires on my 92 ford taurus at my mom’s house one day.  I had it jacked up, and the wheel was off.  I was sitting down, with my legs out in front of me, and as I was reaching and rolling the new tire to me, a big gust of wind came, just enough to knock the car off balance from the jack.  The…circular part that the wheel connects to…went slamming to the ground and took a big chunk out of the driveway.  I think my feet were just barely in the wheel well area, safe and untouched.

Then, when I had my truck, I learned that just any tire on a truck won’t do.  I must have changed the tires on the truck a dozen times.  I want to say I had the truck fall twice…, but I only remember 1 time for certain.  I was changing the front passenger tire on Erin Street across from my house.  If you’re familiar with where I live, Erin street is at least a 30% grade hill.  Same thing as with the taurus, I nearly lost my feet.

Remember kids, always block off the opposite/diagonal tire from moving before you jack you’re car up.  It doesn’t hurt to block them all off either.  If you can, get to a flat surface as well.

- this message brought to you in part by safe tire changers of america.

When I first brought my LEGO collection from my mom’s house to my house, I created a large scale LEGO man.  It was a little smaller, didn’t have moving arms, it had a baseball hat, and it had a double pocket torso, but it was very similar to this one.

I had a few difficulties finding enough blue pieces to get this done.  I made 3 special orders on bricklink to get more 1×4 bricks, slopes, and also peg and hole joint piece to let the arms and legs move.  Everything else was already in my inventory.

It probably took me 10 hours including rebuilding hours.  It’s pretty heavy, even though each section is pretty hollow.  It’s crazy how fast weight and pieces used add up with LEGO creations.

more pictures here.

THE END

I had a pretty wicked dream last night about my step dad, Chris.  It was more like a short film itself.  It took place in this old time chinese town, with a royal family.  The first scene had this mother in a kimono at the door of a house on a rainy night, kissing her ~6 year old son good bye.  She was sad to see him go, but there was an urgency for his safety that he had to get away.  The boy is taken away by a guy in a long cape.  There was a guy with camera across the street that kept trying to take pictures of the boy, but was never able to get a shot of his face.  So there’s this theme of mystery around the son of the lady.

Next scene is years later, and a 20 something year old man, who is trying to find out if the lady is his mother.  They walk down a narrow path behind some houses with a waist high white wall to their left and these 1 story white houses/apartments with big windows to their right.  They’re walking and talking about their history, and she knows who he is, but she can’t admit who he is right away.  So, I’m like this bodyguard person walking with them, and every time we pass one of these large windows, I throw out my arms, grabbing my cape and blocking people from inside seeing the two together.  Then, one window has the same camera man behind it.  I bust through the window and try to chase him down, but I’m not successful.  He’s not able to get a shot of the man’s face though.  So I’ve done my job.

Then, we flash to modern day in my mom’s house.  I’m sleeping downstairs and I hear a noise upstairs.  I rush upstairs all ninja like, check the back bedrooms are clear, and when I come to the main door, it’s open.  Someone made their way into the house.  I’m yelling for Chris to let him know that the camera man is in the house.  I locked the door and start to make may way through the livingroom into the back bathroom.  Then I see the guy with the camera standing in the door way.  It’s friggin creepy to think about it right now.  So i lunge towards him, he goes into Chris’ room, where Chris and I try to corner him, but he slips back into the bathroom, still not being able to take a picture of Chris’ face.  When I go back into the bathroom area to find him, he had disappeared into piles of garbage bags of clothes that are all over the floor.  Our old dalmation, Dante, is there, and he sniffs him out and the dude jumps up out of the bags with his camera in hand and I throw out my arms with my cape and block a picture of Chris again. 

I woke up somewhere after that.  This dream is a little foggier than some of my dreams I write about, but the concept seemed pretty cool.  I could see a little short movie being made where the identity of the heir to the throne must be kept safe.

It’s been a while since I posted a personal update.  Things in married life go well.  New job goes well.  Thinking about going back to school in the fall.  That might be the level of detail you get in the updates going forward…not really sure.  I don’t really want to write about my life with Kallie without her involvement.  What you might see this category turn into would be a opening of the way I think or the way I act, or who I am despite my surroundings.  We’ll see how that works.

One thing that bothers me sometimes is that Kallie will get bunches of people reply to facebook status updates for her.  Sometimes, it’s people that she’s connected through me, but I don’t even talk to on facebook.  It’s not that I want the attention, it’s that I don’t understand why people are compelled to post to her messages in such volumes and so quickly too.  It lead me to believe it’s her.  Some how, people are connecting with her through her update.  She’s reaching them in a way that I’m not.

So we give science a try.  I put the blinking cursor in my status update field and told Kallie to post something as me.  Post something that she would say, if she were me in that moment.  She wasn’t allowed to reveal it was her.  We’d test if it was the content of the status updates or Kallie’s "aura" that people were drawn to.  Within seconds, we had a reply to "mmm, my house smells like freshly baked bread.  I love my wife."  Then another.  Then another from a person I barely know.  I think we found our answer.

It’s me.  I don’t know how to connect with people, or I don’t give them a clear path to understanding me to be more precise.  I wrap things in metaphor, vague allusions, or esoteric references.  Recently, my mom replied to one of my facebook status updates saying she didn’t understand my messages, and she wanted to know if it was her or even her age.  I’m fairly certain it’s actually me.  With this post though, perhaps I can shed some light on to how my mind works and even give some examples to help you better understand what I mean when I say or do something.

We’ll take it back to the days when I first started to post away messages on AIM.  I constantly got asked what they meant.  Well, I’ll tell you now and perhaps it will help you to predict my behavior.

Most of my messages were drawn from lyrics –

"I dream that she aims to be the bloom upon my misery." – This comes from a Soul Coughing song called "I Miss the Girl".  That’s basically what I was saying.

"I feel as if i’m looking at the world from the bottom of a well." – This comes from a Mike Doughty song.  It just meant that I was sad, or I felt trapped, away from the world.

"Getting lost in the fall, glimmer, sparkle, and fade." – This came from Everclear’s album, Sparkle and Fade.   I thought it was a pretty sentiment to describe moods where I felt like a life of a star; people were lucky to catch a glimpse of a falling star, marveled at it’s glimmer and sparkle, and then it fades away.  I used it to express that I had just done something I enjoyed but probably won’t do again.

  "True dreams of Wichita." – More Soul Coughing.  Meant I wanted to travel or that I had a weird dream.

"I’ll be your best kept secret and your biggest mistake." – lines that follow "can I lay in your bed all day?" by Fallout Boy.  Usually meant I liked a new girl.

"Need more friends with wings, all the angels I know put concrete in my veins." – Billy Talent lyrics.  Means I missed people or felt crappy without friends.

"Looking at the man in the mirror and telling him to change his ways." – Michael Jackson, but taken quite literally when used.

"the world through a windshield is callous and cheap.  i toss and i turn but i can’t get to sleep.  counting the hours the days that turn into weeks" – The New Amsterdams lyrics.  Usually meant that I felt like I was just waiting for life to happen.

"Some times, it causes me to tremble."  – My favorite hymn, "Were You There?".  Usually an Easter away message.

"I’m shoulder high in crap and my water wings are flat." – President of the United States of America lyrics.  Usually meant I was stressed about something.

"I remind myself of some body else’s song." – Lifehouse lyrics.  Tongue and cheek mostly.

"Awake and dreaming." – Finger Eleven lyrics.  I was being reflective.

"This is the part where we start to feel better." – Gratitude lyrics.  something was making me sad.

A lot of my messages were my own creation –

"I’m allergic to the sun.  It makes my skin change color."  – This message was usually used when I didn’t want to go outside.

"I’m a pretty shallow guy deep down."  - It’s true.

"Warning:  This aoler may be potentially unstable.  Proceed to message with caution." – I was probably livid about something.  "Livid" was also used as an away message.

"projectiling a bee of fris across a botanical plane in attempts to approach and ultimately arrive at the X axis’ limits, while not offending the Y axis’ limits, at which point those efforts are reciprocated by an opposing force." –   I was playing ultimate frisbee.

"Let’s go get stoned.  Just like how they did in the Bible." – Just thought it was funny.

Some were direct quotes from movies or literature–

"The moments we shared are lost in time, like tears in a rain storm."  -This comes from the movie "Blade Runner".  I found it profound and quite beautiful.  It’s deep, thinking that there’s no use to cry when it’s raining.

"Closing my eyes and opening my mind in the clarity of passion."  – I’m not certain which source this came from, but it may have been from the movie "Atonement".  I usually used this one when I was falling asleep content to ponder life’s questions.

"Cheyne Stoking." – This comes from an excellent movie called "Dead Man Shoes".  At one point in the movie, the main character paints those words on an apartment wall of some "bad guys" while they’re not there.  It’s a medical term to describe periods of irregular breathing; most commonly the last grasps for breath.  I liked the phrase, so i put it up.  Possibly meant that I thought I was going to die sometime/eventually/inevitably.

"In the room the women come and go talking of Michelangelo." – This is from T.S. Elliot’s poem, The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock.  I just used it to say I was talking to my smart wiminz.  Another away message I used, partly inspired from Keren’s song and the poem, was "Measuring out my life with a coffee spoon."

When I’m with you, %n, we stay up all night, and when you’re gone, I can’t get to sleep.  Thank God for these insomnias, and the differences between them."  – Remember, %n was replaced with the viewer’s screen name.  That was fun.  Anyway, I saw a performance at Heinz Hall of the Pittsburgh Symphony, and in between pieces, they would have readings and this was one of them.  I have no idea of the origin, and can’t seem to find anything through google.  It means I was in love or at least infatuated.

"James 4:8 " – The verse is "Come near to God and he will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded."  This was my personal motto.  Draw near to God, and He will draw near to you.  Life is that simple.  When I was searching for why I felt so disconnected from Christ, I simply have to [go to church, volunteer, call a friend to talk, pray] etc.  I needed this scripture during that time of my life.

"Super perfundo on the early eve of your day." – This comes from my favorite movie, Waking Life.  It’s a phrase that one of the characters has said to him in one of his dreams, but even he doesn’t know what it means.  It’s basically used as just a greeting/farewell.

"Perhaps I am a man of exceptional moods.  I do not know how far my experience is common.  At times I suffer from the strangest sense of detachment from myself and the world about me; I seem to watch it all from the outside, from somewhere inconceivably remote, out of time, out of space, out of the stress and tragedy of it all.  – H. G. Wells" – Pretty much the only good line from War of the Worlds.  I resonated with this deeply.

The rest were either weird, boring, or a mix of the above categories –

"He’s a maniac, maniac, on the floor, and he’s cleaning like he’s never cleaned before." – This meant I was cleaning.  Taken from the Flash Dance theme song.

"This away message is fleeting human contact.  both of us lost, but for a moment we’re lost together.  I wonder who you are." – I believe this to be an internet meme, but I can’t nail the true source.  It may have been that simply substituted "away message" in for grafitti.  see XKCD.

"Falto Algo." – Spanish for "Something is missing".  My boss used to say this. 

"Over the river and through the woods, to grandmother’s house I go." – I was visiting my grandmother.

"Home again, home again, jiggity jig." – I went home.

Ofcourse, there are the ones that meant I was sleeping…

"Dead.  At least to the untrained eye."

"Sleep with all the lights on." – Dashboard Confessional lyrics.  Most appropriately used when sleeping during the day  ie: night shift.

"some where between the sacred silence and sleep." – System of a Down lyrics.  Usually meant it was really late and I was still up for some reason.

"Under the Tahitian moon." – Porno for Pyros lyrics. 

"Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan" (SLEEP)" – own of my originals.  Paired with:

"Stress Induced Narcoleptic Seizures (S.I.N.S.)" – another original that I still use.

So, I hope this provides you with a little bit of a road map on being able to predict what I may be trying to convey in my own mysterious way.  Default to it being lyrics for something.  Then think that I just saw/read something that imbued me.  I’m not all that hard to figure out or predict.  I think.  Did this help?

This post is classified under "memories" for those facebook readers that don’t see categories.  I wanted to write down my memory of the day I found out my brother had passed.  Mom – be warned.

Caleb and I slept in what would be called "Uncle Jay’s" room together when we lived at my Grandma’s house.  He slept in the queen bed and I slept on the cot right next to it.  I remember that when I woke up, I used to wake Caleb up, talking to him, or checking to see if he was awake.  I got in trouble once or twice for it.  I don’t remember what day of the week it was, but I remember waking up, and going downstairs, thinking not to wake up Caleb.  As I sat and watched TV at the table and ate breakfast, my mom went upstairs to get Caleb.  Moments later, My mom was yelling, "Mom!"  I saw her carry Caleb down into the living room and put him down on the couch.  A large EMT lady showed up with ambulance a while later.  I’m 8.  I don’t remember any other siblings being home but me.  I remember my dad coming to the back door and telling me to get Pap-pap.  I think there was a little bit of tension with letting my dad into the house, but ultimately, he ended up to being able to come into the kitchen at least.  That’s where I remember holding a 2×3 photo of Caleb and crying in the arms of my dad, saying things like, "Caleb is gone", but I can also remember not really understanding what that meant.  I just felt like that is what I should be doing, as if I was just doing it because that’s what they do on TV or something.

It was Friday, January 26th, 1990.  Caleb was turning 10 on February 9th.  I assume we had the funeral shortly after.  I remember school at Bentleyville Wesleyan was canceled for the funeral.  I saw a lot of people at the funeral.  I remember Uncle Kenny playing a song he wrote and leaving a casette tape in Caleb’s casket.  I want to say I even put in one of his wood cars.  The weird memory is that I remember Jim Henson dying around the same time, and images of all the Sesame street characters showing up at his funeral, and thinking about those same characters showing up at Caleb’s.  Jim Henson didn’t die until May 16th, but I guess the memories were still fresh enough in my head to make that imprint, or it’s been so long that they just seem to overlap.  I remember Jesse and Uncle Tom coming up.  Honestly, I’ve had quite a few funerals, most at the same exact place, so a lot of the memories I have in my head right now, are bluring together, so I’ll stick to the ones I’m sure of…at least, as sure as my memory let’s me believe.