A Mother’s Loss

As my son bends his knees
Under his blanket, enjoying his dreams
I place my head on the doorway
Wanting to tell him that I don’t have the words to say.

Every morning he grabs his bag, and darts for that yellow bus
As I wave farewell, and thank God for how He’s blessed us
With a house, with love, with each other, and so much more.
And a smile smacks me in the face as I step back from the front door.

My day goes on, with images of him at school on my mind
I see him opening the door for ladies, being generous and kind
My son makes me proud, prouder than anything I have done on my own
and before I know it, it’s time to meet him back at our home.

He does his work, has a snack, and tells me about his day
Then it’s right out the door to go out to play
Every day, we do the same routine
And every night, my son comes back to me.

Night brings sheets of black cloth over your eyes
And the silence is broken with bullets and cries
Bullets of blame, hatred, and shame
Cries of mercy, confusion, and pain.

His bed stayed empty that night.
As empty as the gun, that took his life.
As empty as my mouth without the words to say
I love you, I miss you, and I think about you every day.

I’m 28 as of the publishing of this post.  That’s close to 30.  I’m getting older.

Every year, I can’t help but reflect on my life; what I’ve done, what I wish I would have done, what I did, what I wish I didn’t do, What I am, and what I used to be, and everything in between.  Normally, it’s very depressing.  Is it healthy?  I have no idea, but I think it’s all relative to what I do with that information afterward.

This year, I have created a list of 30 things I want to do before I turn 30.  I’ve designed the list to be achievable, and inline with what my current vision of my life would be in a natural progression to 30.  In this manner, it should serve 2 purposes:  First, as goals, that I’ll strive for, challenging myself to complete.  Second, when (if???) I finally reach 30, I’ll be able to compare what I wanted today, with what I want when I’m 30.  Have they changed at all?  Have I changed at all?  Maybe these goals that I set when I was 28 are no longer important to me when I am 30.  It’s sort of like a time capsule in that sense.

I’m going to use the category “life long goals” for updates to the list, even though it’s a departure for how I’ve been using it.  I’ll update the list with dates and links to the blog posts as they’re completed.

Here’s to life, and never accepting it as ‘done’.

I am officially converted over to wordpress 3.0 now. The old site is still operational at http://joshuadhall.com/nukeindex.php, but wordpress is handling all the traffic by default now.  I’ll work on getting polls back up and the download section converted.  I’m a little sad to see the statistics reset…but what are ya going to do?  If you’re reading this on facebook, check out http://sixf00t4.com and tell me what you think!

I had a pretty wicked dream last night about my step dad, Chris.  It was more like a short film itself.  It took place in this old time chinese town, with a royal family.  The first scene had this mother in a kimono at the door of a house on a rainy night, kissing her ~6 year old son good bye.  She was sad to see him go, but there was an urgency for his safety that he had to get away.  The boy is taken away by a guy in a long cape.  There was a guy with camera across the street that kept trying to take pictures of the boy, but was never able to get a shot of his face.  So there’s this theme of mystery around the son of the lady.

Next scene is years later, and a 20 something year old man, who is trying to find out if the lady is his mother.  They walk down a narrow path behind some houses with a waist high white wall to their left and these 1 story white houses/apartments with big windows to their right.  They’re walking and talking about their history, and she knows who he is, but she can’t admit who he is right away.  So, I’m like this bodyguard person walking with them, and every time we pass one of these large windows, I throw out my arms, grabbing my cape and blocking people from inside seeing the two together.  Then, one window has the same camera man behind it.  I bust through the window and try to chase him down, but I’m not successful.  He’s not able to get a shot of the man’s face though.  So I’ve done my job.

Then, we flash to modern day in my mom’s house.  I’m sleeping downstairs and I hear a noise upstairs.  I rush upstairs all ninja like, check the back bedrooms are clear, and when I come to the main door, it’s open.  Someone made their way into the house.  I’m yelling for Chris to let him know that the camera man is in the house.  I locked the door and start to make may way through the livingroom into the back bathroom.  Then I see the guy with the camera standing in the door way.  It’s friggin creepy to think about it right now.  So i lunge towards him, he goes into Chris’ room, where Chris and I try to corner him, but he slips back into the bathroom, still not being able to take a picture of Chris’ face.  When I go back into the bathroom area to find him, he had disappeared into piles of garbage bags of clothes that are all over the floor.  Our old dalmation, Dante, is there, and he sniffs him out and the dude jumps up out of the bags with his camera in hand and I throw out my arms with my cape and block a picture of Chris again. 

I woke up somewhere after that.  This dream is a little foggier than some of my dreams I write about, but the concept seemed pretty cool.  I could see a little short movie being made where the identity of the heir to the throne must be kept safe.

When I bought my house in the Hill District of Pittsburgh, my roommate, Jordan, and I noticed that there were always people huddled around this building at the corner of Wylie Ave and Erin Street.  We were unsettled, but also a little curious as to what was really going on there.  Jordan asked my neighbor, Sonny, what the deal was.  Sonny simply answered, "That’s a jitney station."  That didn’t help us much, and I think he could tell by the look on our faces. 

He went on to explain, if you don’t have a car, you walk to the jitney station and someone there will give you a ride.  It’s like an open market taxi service.  People use their own cars to delivery people where they want to go.  So some of the people that congregate there are people that want a ride, and some are people waiting to give people rides somewhere, and the rest are probably people that just like to be around other people.  If you have spent any time in the Hill, you know how much truth there is to the latter.

That’s part of the culture of the Hill District; The people.  Even the jitney by essence exemplifies the focus of people interacting with people on their own accord.  It’s funny how…let me phrase this properly…whites…caucasions…suburbanites?….sheltered people…people who are scared of the Hill are scared of the unknown…but that they’d probably end up being more afraid of how congenial and engaging people are.  It’s crazy to witness how far out of the way someone will go just to make sure the person they went to high school with 20 years ago hears them say "Hi!" to them.  Everyone knows everyone in the Hill.

August Wilson wrote about the culture of the Hill District in his plays.  That’s probably where the term "jitney" has gained most of it’s popularity.  August’s childhood home is a couple blocks from me, in a state of much disrepair. (here’s a pano from Steve Mellon – http://www.post-gazette.com/pg/08105/872496-429.stm )

It’s sad to see how much importance social interaction is in the Hill District and how much culture is valued, but how little is actually being done to preserve it.  It’s almost a paradox way of life.  How can you value both the present day person as they grow into the future, when they identify so strongly with staying connected to the past.  Certainly a deeper question than what I wanted to cover in this post, but it’s there.

More on August Wilson and his plays – http://www.post-gazette.com/pg/10127/1056192-325.stm?cmpid=newspanel0

It’s been a while since I posted a personal update.  Things in married life go well.  New job goes well.  Thinking about going back to school in the fall.  That might be the level of detail you get in the updates going forward…not really sure.  I don’t really want to write about my life with Kallie without her involvement.  What you might see this category turn into would be a opening of the way I think or the way I act, or who I am despite my surroundings.  We’ll see how that works.

One thing that bothers me sometimes is that Kallie will get bunches of people reply to facebook status updates for her.  Sometimes, it’s people that she’s connected through me, but I don’t even talk to on facebook.  It’s not that I want the attention, it’s that I don’t understand why people are compelled to post to her messages in such volumes and so quickly too.  It lead me to believe it’s her.  Some how, people are connecting with her through her update.  She’s reaching them in a way that I’m not.

So we give science a try.  I put the blinking cursor in my status update field and told Kallie to post something as me.  Post something that she would say, if she were me in that moment.  She wasn’t allowed to reveal it was her.  We’d test if it was the content of the status updates or Kallie’s "aura" that people were drawn to.  Within seconds, we had a reply to "mmm, my house smells like freshly baked bread.  I love my wife."  Then another.  Then another from a person I barely know.  I think we found our answer.

It’s me.  I don’t know how to connect with people, or I don’t give them a clear path to understanding me to be more precise.  I wrap things in metaphor, vague allusions, or esoteric references.  Recently, my mom replied to one of my facebook status updates saying she didn’t understand my messages, and she wanted to know if it was her or even her age.  I’m fairly certain it’s actually me.  With this post though, perhaps I can shed some light on to how my mind works and even give some examples to help you better understand what I mean when I say or do something.

We’ll take it back to the days when I first started to post away messages on AIM.  I constantly got asked what they meant.  Well, I’ll tell you now and perhaps it will help you to predict my behavior.

Most of my messages were drawn from lyrics –

"I dream that she aims to be the bloom upon my misery." – This comes from a Soul Coughing song called "I Miss the Girl".  That’s basically what I was saying.

"I feel as if i’m looking at the world from the bottom of a well." – This comes from a Mike Doughty song.  It just meant that I was sad, or I felt trapped, away from the world.

"Getting lost in the fall, glimmer, sparkle, and fade." – This came from Everclear’s album, Sparkle and Fade.   I thought it was a pretty sentiment to describe moods where I felt like a life of a star; people were lucky to catch a glimpse of a falling star, marveled at it’s glimmer and sparkle, and then it fades away.  I used it to express that I had just done something I enjoyed but probably won’t do again.

  "True dreams of Wichita." – More Soul Coughing.  Meant I wanted to travel or that I had a weird dream.

"I’ll be your best kept secret and your biggest mistake." – lines that follow "can I lay in your bed all day?" by Fallout Boy.  Usually meant I liked a new girl.

"Need more friends with wings, all the angels I know put concrete in my veins." – Billy Talent lyrics.  Means I missed people or felt crappy without friends.

"Looking at the man in the mirror and telling him to change his ways." – Michael Jackson, but taken quite literally when used.

"the world through a windshield is callous and cheap.  i toss and i turn but i can’t get to sleep.  counting the hours the days that turn into weeks" – The New Amsterdams lyrics.  Usually meant that I felt like I was just waiting for life to happen.

"Some times, it causes me to tremble."  – My favorite hymn, "Were You There?".  Usually an Easter away message.

"I’m shoulder high in crap and my water wings are flat." – President of the United States of America lyrics.  Usually meant I was stressed about something.

"I remind myself of some body else’s song." – Lifehouse lyrics.  Tongue and cheek mostly.

"Awake and dreaming." – Finger Eleven lyrics.  I was being reflective.

"This is the part where we start to feel better." – Gratitude lyrics.  something was making me sad.

A lot of my messages were my own creation –

"I’m allergic to the sun.  It makes my skin change color."  – This message was usually used when I didn’t want to go outside.

"I’m a pretty shallow guy deep down."  - It’s true.

"Warning:  This aoler may be potentially unstable.  Proceed to message with caution." – I was probably livid about something.  "Livid" was also used as an away message.

"projectiling a bee of fris across a botanical plane in attempts to approach and ultimately arrive at the X axis’ limits, while not offending the Y axis’ limits, at which point those efforts are reciprocated by an opposing force." –   I was playing ultimate frisbee.

"Let’s go get stoned.  Just like how they did in the Bible." – Just thought it was funny.

Some were direct quotes from movies or literature–

"The moments we shared are lost in time, like tears in a rain storm."  -This comes from the movie "Blade Runner".  I found it profound and quite beautiful.  It’s deep, thinking that there’s no use to cry when it’s raining.

"Closing my eyes and opening my mind in the clarity of passion."  – I’m not certain which source this came from, but it may have been from the movie "Atonement".  I usually used this one when I was falling asleep content to ponder life’s questions.

"Cheyne Stoking." – This comes from an excellent movie called "Dead Man Shoes".  At one point in the movie, the main character paints those words on an apartment wall of some "bad guys" while they’re not there.  It’s a medical term to describe periods of irregular breathing; most commonly the last grasps for breath.  I liked the phrase, so i put it up.  Possibly meant that I thought I was going to die sometime/eventually/inevitably.

"In the room the women come and go talking of Michelangelo." – This is from T.S. Elliot’s poem, The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock.  I just used it to say I was talking to my smart wiminz.  Another away message I used, partly inspired from Keren’s song and the poem, was "Measuring out my life with a coffee spoon."

When I’m with you, %n, we stay up all night, and when you’re gone, I can’t get to sleep.  Thank God for these insomnias, and the differences between them."  – Remember, %n was replaced with the viewer’s screen name.  That was fun.  Anyway, I saw a performance at Heinz Hall of the Pittsburgh Symphony, and in between pieces, they would have readings and this was one of them.  I have no idea of the origin, and can’t seem to find anything through google.  It means I was in love or at least infatuated.

"James 4:8 " – The verse is "Come near to God and he will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded."  This was my personal motto.  Draw near to God, and He will draw near to you.  Life is that simple.  When I was searching for why I felt so disconnected from Christ, I simply have to [go to church, volunteer, call a friend to talk, pray] etc.  I needed this scripture during that time of my life.

"Super perfundo on the early eve of your day." – This comes from my favorite movie, Waking Life.  It’s a phrase that one of the characters has said to him in one of his dreams, but even he doesn’t know what it means.  It’s basically used as just a greeting/farewell.

"Perhaps I am a man of exceptional moods.  I do not know how far my experience is common.  At times I suffer from the strangest sense of detachment from myself and the world about me; I seem to watch it all from the outside, from somewhere inconceivably remote, out of time, out of space, out of the stress and tragedy of it all.  – H. G. Wells" – Pretty much the only good line from War of the Worlds.  I resonated with this deeply.

The rest were either weird, boring, or a mix of the above categories –

"He’s a maniac, maniac, on the floor, and he’s cleaning like he’s never cleaned before." – This meant I was cleaning.  Taken from the Flash Dance theme song.

"This away message is fleeting human contact.  both of us lost, but for a moment we’re lost together.  I wonder who you are." – I believe this to be an internet meme, but I can’t nail the true source.  It may have been that simply substituted "away message" in for grafitti.  see XKCD.

"Falto Algo." – Spanish for "Something is missing".  My boss used to say this. 

"Over the river and through the woods, to grandmother’s house I go." – I was visiting my grandmother.

"Home again, home again, jiggity jig." – I went home.

Ofcourse, there are the ones that meant I was sleeping…

"Dead.  At least to the untrained eye."

"Sleep with all the lights on." – Dashboard Confessional lyrics.  Most appropriately used when sleeping during the day  ie: night shift.

"some where between the sacred silence and sleep." – System of a Down lyrics.  Usually meant it was really late and I was still up for some reason.

"Under the Tahitian moon." – Porno for Pyros lyrics. 

"Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan" (SLEEP)" – own of my originals.  Paired with:

"Stress Induced Narcoleptic Seizures (S.I.N.S.)" – another original that I still use.

So, I hope this provides you with a little bit of a road map on being able to predict what I may be trying to convey in my own mysterious way.  Default to it being lyrics for something.  Then think that I just saw/read something that imbued me.  I’m not all that hard to figure out or predict.  I think.  Did this help?

I don’t want it to be sad.  I’d hope that friends and family that know me well would throw up gang signs in jest at my funeral.  Maybe even going as far as pouring out some champagne on the floor.  If I died in an accident, I’d hope that someone would do an impression of me saying, “what the crap” or “that was ballz.”  Death hath no sting.  I wouldn’t want to be remembered for being a boring “stand up citizen” or a “good person.”  I’d want to be known as the guy who just wanted to have a good time, love people, explore, and be creative.  I’ve said a few times before, I’d love to be buried viking style; body set on a raft and then set on fire and pushed out to sea.  I’d be screwed if we could feel pain after death…but whatever.

Some text is clearly written. We consider this normal and expected.
If I wRiTe In AlTeRnAtInG-cApS oN a ReSuMe, It WiLl MoSt LiKeLy Be ReJeCtEd.
Some text we italicize to whisper quietly, but words never make a sound.
Underlining words makes sure what we’ve written is found.
When Jesus spoke, he apparently spoke in red.
All 2 cmnly, we abbrv. what u said.
I can ^say something without you knowing, by changing the <font color> to white,
Maybe a secret, an "easter egg", or just something to spite.
I’m fascinated at the replacements or tools we have in place,
To relay the intonations, hand gestures, or looks on a face.
Text to symbols of <3, , ,
But love, happy, and sad, aren’t as simple as that.
Just different people using different ways to express differences.
Whether boldly, quietly, OSTENTATIOUSLY, or whatever the variance is.
There’s no point here, or "." as some _say.
I hope I chose the right way(s) on the right day…

So many new announcements going on in Pittsburgh!  We just have to find out how we’re going to pay for it all.

The New Granada theatre nears it’s financing goal of $1.1M.  It’s a block from my house and it is such a sad thing to see it falling apart.  If they can get the rest of that money, it would be amazing.  http://www.post-gazette.com/pg/08317/927187-53.stm

 The David Lawrence Convention center just released plans for an $8.5 M project to connect the bike trails from point state park (affectionately known as pennisula park).  They just don’t know where the money is coming from yet… http://www.post-gazette.com/pg/08325/929364-53.stm

The Majestic Star Casino will officially be called the Rivers Casino after Don Barden lost the license and Neil Bluhm took over.  http://www.post-gazette.com/pg/08325/929355-53.stm

This weekend I picked up fable 2.  I was a fan of the first game and I’ve waiting anxiously for this release since it was pushed back so much.  I played it all consumingly this weekend, as i do with most video games I get into.  I beat it sunday night, and what I found at the end, was something I was afraid to confirm.  I just don’t see the point anymore.  I used to love getting lost in a good video game.  I don’t know if I should be happy that i’ve seem to have out grown or matured past video games, or sad that my life has become such an increased dosage of reality that I feel uncomfortable in a fantasy world anymore.  That scares me, that my imagination has gone.  I’m trying to separate this revelation from my birthday.  I felt this same way after playing grand theft auto 4 this spring.  I thought it was just the game, but it’s me. 

And I’ve been doing a lot of soul searching recently.  I never thought i’d feel this way, but I’m feeling like i’m shedding my skin again.  I’m starting to feel disconnected from what I used to call me.  In a lot of regards, i guess it’s just natural to move on and change over time, but as I inject more Christian practice into my life, I’m seeing that what I was identifying with for so long were just temporary things.  I was seeking distraction and entertainment in things of this world.  I’ve always been aware of that risk, but never fully understood it’s depth.  That in itself has its own struggle though.  I’m born of this world.  How can I live in a world like this?  Do I try to change it?  For everyone, or just me?  If the latter, is that like denying the rest of the world as reality?  Do I simply find a comfortable homeostasis to live out my years?  I’ve searched for the answer to that question a lot, and I’ve never found the answer.  I find a lot of people that ignore it though.  I’ve had people tell me that I need to stop thinking about things and just accept them.  A lot of people.  Is this one of those situations?

There’s only 1 thing I’m sure of and that is that life doesn’t happen over night, and anyone that thinks that they or anyone can just wake up one day and change their mind and the life they’re leading is wrong.  I certainly don’t need that outside pressure to change my life, but I certainly need that outside accountability.  I have self-destructive tendencies, and I’ve always excersized my ability to use them.  That’s me.

I’ve got that sense that something is going to move in my life again.  Too early to speculate what it is just yet, but I’d be a fool to call it a negative or positive thing.  Life is always what you make out of it.