Blog of Josh Hall

This weekend I picked up fable 2.  I was a fan of the first game and I’ve waiting anxiously for this release since it was pushed back so much.  I played it all consumingly this weekend, as i do with most video games I get into.  I beat it sunday night, and what I found at the end, was something I was afraid to confirm.  I just don’t see the point anymore.  I used to love getting lost in a good video game.  I don’t know if I should be happy that i’ve seem to have out grown or matured past video games, or sad that my life has become such an increased dosage of reality that I feel uncomfortable in a fantasy world anymore.  That scares me, that my imagination has gone.  I’m trying to separate this revelation from my birthday.  I felt this same way after playing grand theft auto 4 this spring.  I thought it was just the game, but it’s me. 

And I’ve been doing a lot of soul searching recently.  I never thought i’d feel this way, but I’m feeling like i’m shedding my skin again.  I’m starting to feel disconnected from what I used to call me.  In a lot of regards, i guess it’s just natural to move on and change over time, but as I inject more Christian practice into my life, I’m seeing that what I was identifying with for so long were just temporary things.  I was seeking distraction and entertainment in things of this world.  I’ve always been aware of that risk, but never fully understood it’s depth.  That in itself has its own struggle though.  I’m born of this world.  How can I live in a world like this?  Do I try to change it?  For everyone, or just me?  If the latter, is that like denying the rest of the world as reality?  Do I simply find a comfortable homeostasis to live out my years?  I’ve searched for the answer to that question a lot, and I’ve never found the answer.  I find a lot of people that ignore it though.  I’ve had people tell me that I need to stop thinking about things and just accept them.  A lot of people.  Is this one of those situations?

There’s only 1 thing I’m sure of and that is that life doesn’t happen over night, and anyone that thinks that they or anyone can just wake up one day and change their mind and the life they’re leading is wrong.  I certainly don’t need that outside pressure to change my life, but I certainly need that outside accountability.  I have self-destructive tendencies, and I’ve always excersized my ability to use them.  That’s me.

I’ve got that sense that something is going to move in my life again.  Too early to speculate what it is just yet, but I’d be a fool to call it a negative or positive thing.  Life is always what you make out of it. 

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Tags: birthday, game, happy, love, people, sad