Blog of Josh Hall

today was an emotionally draining day.  all is well though.  slept at my mom’s last night, woke up to return to the city around 10.  Brought a dolly back from my mom’s to help me wheel in the deep freezer i bought off craigslist yesterday.  I always told kallie that we can justify more freezer space when there were more than just 2 of us.  When she told me she was pregnant, I knew I had to make good on that promise.

Deirdre came over around noon and we talked and kind of caught up on what’s been going on with each other.

It doesn’t even feel like Christmas eve.  It’s silly warm outside.  Without anyone else reminding me about it, it’s easily forgotten.

Talked to Kallie for a bit around 4:30.  She comes back late Tuesday night and I think we both want it to come quickly.

I was supposed to play bass at church tonight, but they couldn’t get a drummer, so it didn’t really make sense for me to play.  As a result, I lost motivation to go as our holiday services are usually pretty thin.  I want to celebrate the birth of Jesus, but I need to find my own way to do that it seems because just going through the motions, traditions, and symbolic rituals seem to distract me from the tangible reality of the coming of our Savior.

I’m starting to think more about my daughter.  I’ve been focusing on having a baby, that i’d have to feed, change diapers, and all that jazz.  I was also aware of the stress of having a teenage daughter, keeping away the boys, but what I’ve forgotten about is that time in the middle.  There’s going to be a girl that will instinctively look to me for direction and also admire me, provided I do my job right.  I’m going to have a relationship with this girl.  I’m going to want to make her happy, I’m going to love her, and she’ll love me.  I’m going to have to learn about her, what she likes, what interests her.  It’s not just me changing her diapers or telling her what to do, it’s relational and even more organic than a rule setting father.  I decided I wanted to buy her a stuffed animal.  I want her to have something that she connects as being given to her from her dad[ddy].

I started repairing some damage ceiling parts in the office, started tearing down some stuff, but then realized the last time I used the joint compound, the lid was on tightly and it all dried up.  Quick hop online found that home depot is closed until Monday.  I had been hoping to get some painting done today and tomorrow so it would be dry by the time Kallie came back and the fumes would be gone.  Not sure what I’m going to do about that yet.  I started doing some other things on my list, but I’m really quite exhausted already.

9pm  – I’m spent.  Merry Christmas to everyone.  Good night.

I had a great day. Nothing can distract me from that. Thank you all who were a part of it.

I’ve had a few people asking my about my diet while Kallie is away.  It’s not great, but I’m getting by.  The nice thing is, I asked Kallie not to go grocery shopping before she left.  First, just so she didn’t have 1 more thing to do before she left, but also because I’m not that pathetic that I would need her to do that for me.  A nice bonus to not having new stuff in the fridge is the sense of accomplishment I get from finishing things.  You might not know this about me, but I have a strong affinity for finishing things so they don’t go to waste.  Kallie surely has a different perspective from me, but I see us throw out a lot of food because we’re too blessed and move on to the next meal without using up left overs or have items in the fridge that didn’t get used up, but only have limited applications.  My personal goal in the fridge is always to use up what’s there and consolidate.  So I’ve done that so far.  Chicken salad from a salad left over the the weekend, a burger with the rest of the head of lettuce from before the weekend, enchiladas, nearly empty packages of cheese, italian dressing, buns, bagels, etc, etc.  I’m making sure I get some fruits and veggies in there.  I’m actually enjoying the sense of manageability of the contents in the refrigerator and freezer rather than seeing them as an abyss where we’ll hopeless never go hungry.

so back to my day:

4:45am  – wake up to make breakfast for the labor halls.

7:00am – back in bed for a 1.5 hour name before going into work.

5:00pm – back home, start finishing up the final touches on the lair in the basement.  Kallie’s not going to like it because it’s very much my space, but it’s better to ask for forgiveness than permission.  With all this stuff moving around, it’s becoming apparent how close we are to outgrowing this house already, and we don’t even have the daughter yet.  A lot of what we store should go in a garage, attic, or basement.  There’s a George Carlin bit about buying stuff until you fill your house that rings all too true. here’s a link to the bit [explicit language]

6:00pm – I get a call from a friend from out of town that’s in for the holidays and he invites me over to a mutual friend’s house to hang out.  I decline because I do have to work tomorrow, I have some motivation to get things done, andd the weather is kind of crappy.  It felt somewhat redeeming after last night’s rejections though.  I’ll go back to the mon valley tomorrow to hang out with him.

9:00 pm – Kallie facetimes me on her phone.  I make her cry by expressing my feeling interrupted when she calls me unexpectedly.  I tried not to come across like I don’t want to talk to her, of course I do, I just want to focus on getting stuff done here, and when we end up with dead silence on the phone, or in this case, just staring at each other, it’s frustrating.  Maybe I’m a bad cold hearted husband, but I want to get stuff done around the house for US.  Having to drop everything from those distractions when she calls only reminds me that she’s not here and I’m alone.  It’s kind of an all or nothing thing.  I’m just not skilled enough to multitask doing things here and taking care of my wife there.

10:00pm – deflated and defeated.  bed time for baxter.  so much for running.

Today didn’t go quite how I wanted it to go.  I lost structure and got distracted and demotivated a lot.  We’ll see if I can get better for tomorrow.

7:30 am – Wake up for an 8:00am workday start from home

Noon – quick jaunt to the local post office to send off some last minute gifts, a netflix movie, and a textbook I sold online.  Also stop at the Family Dollar for some milk.

5:00 pm – Return a bathing suit for Kallie to target, then I took a trip over to best buy to pick up new computer speakers.  I was given a $50 gift card to best buy for my birthday, so I was going to pick up something there since my current speakers have a terrible and an unresolvable buzz coming from them.  When I started to browse, I noticed how ridiculously high the prices were.  I pulled up the amazon app on my phone and pretty much every speaker option was $20-$30 higher at best buy.  I was also interested in picking up a nice wireless N router, but those are way too expensive, and still about $20-$30 more than amazon’s prices.  I left without getting anything.

While in transit, I texted 2 separate friends to see if they were interested in grabbing a pint of beer at rock bottom, which used to be a weekly wednesday tradition with some friends.  Both could not go.  I tried not to let it get me too down, but my sails lost some wind.

7:00pm – Come home, move computer desk down stairs to the new lair in the basement.  I grabbed something to eat too, and started to watch “Who’s still standing?”, which is really stupid.  Once I had my fill of stupid, I came back downstairs to keep working at arranging my new set up.

9:00pm – My idea was to organize stuff downstairs for bit after eating, and then go for a run at 9.  Kallie called me pretty much at 9, which was just enough reason for me to lose focus on running.  I have to be up around 4:45am in the morning to make breakfast for the labor halls with the Living Ministry, so I should just call it a night, and hope to rest enough to be motivated to catch up tomorrow.  bed by 10.

I’m being super proactive and structured while Kallie is out in California for a week.  My default has been to do nothing, get mopey and grumpy, and sleep a lot.  I’m going to try to have a very productive and also entertaining week while I’m by myself.  The reality of this probably being one of the last weeks on my own for a very long time is certainly in the air.  I’ve had many people warn me to get any projects done around the house, because once the baby comes, you have no time for anything.  Here’s a recap of Day 1:

5:45am – Wake up to drop Kallie off at the airport

7:00am – Arrive back home, take a nap before work

9:30am – Wake up and realize you should already be at work.  Oops.

5:00pm – Come home, watch the movie ” The Number 23” – A quick review:  This has so many qualities of the psychological thrillers I love.  I am so inspired to write stories after watching this movie.  I identified with the character so much, and having the premise of the movie being the main character identifying with a “fictional” character in a book just drew me in further and deeper.  No way Kallie would have enjoyed that one.

7:00pm – Do the dishes, tidy up a bit.

8:00pm – Build the LEGO Ferrari Racer – My mother in law is basically my LEGO supplier, and she’s usually good for awesome bulk collections, but this collection had the book and pretty much all the pieces to this amazing set, so I put it together.  It’s so awesome.  It’s hard to tell the size from the picture, but it’s a hefty foot long.  It looks and feels just like a model.  I think I’ll even leave it together for a bit.

9:00pm – Sort the rest of the LEGO bricks I got for Christmas while watching the SNL Christmas special.

11:00pm – Do some pushups, write some emails, surf around a bit, quick devotional, bed by midnight!

Look for a daily log for the week while Kallie is gone, hopefully to keep me honest and motivated by fear of man…or something.

Weddings are about the bride and groom.  Don’t make it about you.  Weddings are different and difficult for many reasons, and they are not trying to insult you by not inviting you.  If you’re not married, you’ll learn.