Blog of Josh Hall

well i still am in a major down. i havent left my apartment since tuesday, and that was to get some pizza downtown at sbarro’s. and befor that i havent left since work sunday. and before that, it was jubillee. i didnt go to cornerstone, i am so self destructive. i want to tear every thing i built down. i just want to see if people care. for me to be happy, i need to be important to other people. that’s just the way i am. and when i dont feel important, i am depressed. and when i am depressed, i am really depressed. and when i say i need to feel important, i dont just mean people telling me they care about and all that junk, i just mean i need to feel needed. even if someone messages me every once in a while for some java programming help, or asks if i can fix their computer. when someone makes that effort to talk to me, that is enough. when someone thinks, “hey josh would be a good person to talk to about that” that makes my day. i really set myself up for depression by not doing anything with cornerstone this week. no one there called me or whatever. i cant even say if they missed me or not. so now i have it in my mind that cornerstone is only as good as i make it. and sometimes, i dont feel like puting the work in. and apparently, if i dont put the work in, nothing happens. so now i am back to being depressed. just talking about it makes me depressed. (continued) i did read adrienne’s blog today and she reminded me that finger eleven is coming in. that shot my mood up a mile and a half. 2 things that get me exited, music (finger eleven, soul coughing) and thoughts and dreams (waking life)

tomaro i am going to see keren and deirdres play. keren says it is really good. the best the school has ever seen. she also said she is the best one in the play. she is so arrogant. and i told her that too. and she said, that her voice is so great. she makes me laugh.

antidepressants suck when they dont work. yeah, you heard me. anti-depressants, as in medication. too bad i am not on any at the moment.

i have been staying up for 25 hours, and then sleeping for +12 that past couple days. monday night into tuesday after noon i didnt sleep at all though. so i guess back to the hypersomnia/insomia. back to cheese sandwiches and icecream. my room is a disaster. i wrote like 30 poems and 5 songs today. i dont know when to chose the right thing or what i want to do. all i want to do is create. all i want to do is express. all i want to do is be a starving artist. i would be honored to live on the streets. i still want to live on the streets for a week, just to say that i did it, and show that i can do it. and i leave you with instructions on how to be a ninja.

At what point am i supposed to forget what i want, and chose the wiser? this is something i have always struggled with. I have said before, i am what i want me to be, not what i want to be. i dont think i will ever be able to reach a middle ground between my heart and my mind. they both want priority.

i have been living on cheese sandwiches and ice cream the past 3 days. actually, the past 2, i didnt eat anything saturday. i just dont get hungry. i never have been able to feel hungry. my body hates my mind. and my mind hates my body. and my heart is stuck in the middle.

i want out is the title of this update, and there is no other way to describe how i feel about everything right now. i want out. i want nothing. all i do is sleep. all i do is think. all i do is repeat what i have done already. monotony. i punch in and punch out every day. sometimes i cant even escape my mind to do that. add goldfish to my digestive track.

“I think tis is a word because the brits mispelled “its” quite often”

– George

lots of stuff added today.

That menu at the top, let me know if you hate that or not. i am undecided so far.

you can now set the weather block to where you are and it will stay that way. this is so much better than the old weather system. so customize it!

a whole bunch of back end stuff got initialized today, IP banning, nuke 7.1, and some other misc stuff.

new menu block and user info block.

I activated the Journal module for anyone who feels like keeping an online journal here. you can chose to just have it private, for your own reading, or public for everyone else to use it. If you want me to add a subdomain for it, like “yourname.sixf00t4.com” or perhaps i will even buy a new domain, like sixjournals.com if anyone wants to use that. just thought i would put that up there.

SIl is going to kill me because i exceeded my bandwidth this month, and that is why i added a “buy posters” link, to try and generate some revenue. I am also taking steps to limit the bandwidth usage, like you have to be registered to download anything. i am getting alot of hits for the videos, so that will help out there.

still working on a few more things tonight, but let me know what you think of it all so far, let me know if you have any problems with it! and let me know anything else you want to!

so i saw the passion wednesday night. as i am sure you have heard by now, it is very powerful. and that is really all i have, and want to say about it.

i was looking through my logs for my webpage, and today, at around 2, i had a visitor that was on EMI’s network. EMI being the music industry. I, ofcourse, have an uneasy feeling about that, but i have nothing to hide. I am guessing they found my site from the DJ DangerMouse thread i started about jay z and the beatles. who ever it was, thanks for stopping by, and let me know if there is anything i can help you with.

feeling really proud to have my globe*trotter module posted on sourceforge. how awesome is that??? people from all over the world are going to download something i created. just awesome.

jubillee this weekend. i have no idea what to expect, all i know is i get off work friday. and i am cool with that.

for the past week i have been having really bad dizzy spells. kinda like the feeling you get when you stand up too fast. but i am getting them just sitting down, or walking down the sidewalk, or talking to someone. and i am getting tingling feelings in my left foot, and in my face. this is definitely not a good thing. just started this week, and has been consisitent throughout everyday this week. I tried sleeping more, sleeping less, eating more, eatting less, eating sugars, eating starch, drinking water, and nothing has changed. i am going to see a doctor. i think i have diabetes.

I am not sure of the desired publicity of this, so i will keep aninimity, but a close friend’s mom is going through some medical problems right now. they fear breast cancer, or other lymphatic cancer. please keep her in your prayers.

upload some jokes, think about my thought below, and please respond if you like, check out andy’s pictures, play some games, post some stuff in the forum, or just leave me a message saying hi. Thank you all for stopping by, it really does make my life worth living.

had this thought in the mall today.

So something can’t come from nothing, and there obviously is a limited amount of “stuff” in the universe. You need to keep that in mind if you are to understand where i am going with this.

when people die, we put them in a box or some other means of keeping their body away from the natural elements. and in most cases, we succeed in removing any access that maggots, or other natural decomposition that would take on the body. And our bodies are made up of the “stuff” of the universe, and everytime we bury someone, we are taking “stuff” out of the circle of life.

So what are the effects then? living things depend on “stuff” for life. When we take out “stuff” from the circle of life, we are pulling out that first dominoe. Now a fly will not lay eggs on that body. Now maggots will not feed on our flesh. now a bird will not eat that maggot. now an animal will not eat that bird. Now the soil will not have nutrients to keep in fertile. now a plant will not grow there. now a bee will not pull pollen from that plant. now that bee will not make a hive. and pulling out one body, which is made up of nature’s “stuff” seems pretty important. And perhaps this can even explain the extinction of some animals. Who is to say that had we not practiced burial or cremation, that people’s bodies would not have, in some indirect or direct way, fed a dodo bird. (continued) and if we continue on this practice of “banking” the stuff of life, and we assume there really is no magic machine that can create new “stuff” and pump it back into the cycle, then it is fair to say, at some point in time, we will run out of “stuff.” What then? Perhaps we will never reach that point, but rather at a point of equilibrium, where we are consistently eating ourselves, or one another.

Now you may say, “Josh, our bodies are sacred, and that is why we bury the dead, we deserve to respect those that die.” And to that, i would remind you that respect and something being deemed as sacred are human ideas. And, unfortunately, nature does not conform to our ideas. And it is because of that, that we can not enforce our ideas. Nature ignores our request, and continues about it’s business. And for that reason, we can not chose to oppose nature, because it is a losing battle.

Which leads me to MY conclusion, which is, when i die, i do not want to be burried. rather, i want to give back to what had given to me. I want to feed a racoon. I want to have a sunflower grow in my spot. I want to have bugs inhabit my carcus. Because, It is my desire to cause life, not prevent it.