Ramblings

Pudding is the most emotionally degrading and abusive food evar

26 June, 2008 (20:05) | Ramblings

Before you even get to taste the pudding, you’re already a loser.  You’re not getting that seal off with 1 smooth motion.  Nope.  It’s going to tear.  Unevenly.  Then you have to decide, do you go all OCD and peel the cover off completely, or do you let that taut portion obstruct your spooning motion?  This little plastic container has already conquered your mind and ego, and you’re not even aware.

So the peel is off (to a consumable degree anyway), is it time yet to enjoy the fruits of your labor?  Of course not.  You must grovel.  You aren’t worthy of the pudding and you must sacrifice your dignity to the pudding gods before you taste the deliciousness.  Stick your tongue out and lick that seal like the bottom feeder that you are!  You know you have to.  It’s so demeaning, but it’s become so natural that we don’t even think about it.  We are slave to the pudding gods and they mock us.

Assuming your spoon fits in the opening, which actually, let’s cover that first.  This little dinky cup is even designed to tick you off.  You can’t just shove your hand in there or dump some pudding in your mouth, you need to find the right utensil and extricate the gooey goodness.  You can’t just stick any spoon in there, no wide-mouths here, no, you need something with a point to get into that bevel that surrounds the bottom of the cup.  The only way to get a spoon that fits that description is to sacrifice volume.  So again, you’re set up for disappointment because you will not be satiated by the amount of pudding per spoonful.  It took me 5 scoops to get the amount of pudding that I would have liked to have in 1 scoop.  I have to ration this??  Why can’t i just take as much as I want and be done?

It doesn’t stop there though.  You’ll never be able to finish it.  You can scrape the sides of the container as much as you like, and you will, but you will never get all the pudding out.  You have to reach that point where you decide the work isn’t worth it anymore and give up.  You have to give up.  Quit.  Conquered yet again by pudding.

So, grab another, right?  Yeah, that does wonders for the self-esteem.  Things like crackers and ice-cream have the serving sizes written on them, but pudding, they prepackage the serving size for you.  No one actually eats only the 2 oreos in a serving size.  You’re an automatic fatty if you break out that second cup of pudding though.  It’s surprising how fast a garbage can will fill up full of empty pudding containers.  It’s like pudding’s serving size is really just a sampler package, but there is no full portion option.  All you’ll ever get is not enough.  Look at desserts like "dirt" where pudding is served in a big bowl, like it should be.  You can take what you want and no one judges.  This is ridiculous and an outrage.

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