Personal Update

But does my father even care, If I’m sad or I’m angry

6 October, 2011 (12:00) | Personal Update

When my dad passed away in December 2004, I had already not been talking to him for years.  During those years of not talking to him, I’d visit my grandma and she’d always tell me that I needed to make amends with him before something happened to him.

As I’m preparing to become a father myself, it strikes me funny that her warning were never “make amends because you need a father.”  I saw my relationship with my father as doing more damage than it was worth to maintain.  Truth be told, I still maintain that stance, but I am now ready to admit that I did not have a full picture of what a father has to offer, or even what a father’s role is.

I have so many questions.  Sure I can ask my mom as much as she’s comfortable with, or even my uncle, but they’re not my dad.  I have a step-dad, that is more like a good friend than an authority in fatherhood.  All this to say, I have sources that can serve as replacements, but they’ll never fill the shoes of my dad.  That’s not a result of my actions, or his, at this point either.  God called him home, and I don’t have to understand the purpose.

All I know, after more than 10 years, for the first time, I think I’m missing my dad.  I’m missing my dad, but also missing a dad.  That’s sobering, because you can get new best friends, but you will never get a new dad.