Blog of Josh Hall

I just caught myself staring into my belly button. You know how lava lamps look when one blob splits into 2, like the center starts getting all stretched out and then *snap* it’s two different blobs? well, that’s what i’m picturing when a mother gives birth. That’s what your belly button is. It’s where you used to be physcially part of your mother. It’s a scar. what your mom used to eat and drink used to come through that. this isn’t the first time i found myself staring at my body today. When i was in the shower, I was looking at the wrinkles in my palms for a long time. They are identical from left to right, only my left hand has an inch long wrinkle from between the ring and pinking pulling towards the center, and my right hand has an inch long wrinkle between my index and middle pulling towards the center. The similarities are crazy. How does that happen? After i got out of the shower, I was staring at my stretch marks across my chest, the creases of my stomach, and my hairline. how is it that *that* encases my life system? crazy stuff.

sometimes, i swear i had LSD for breakfast.

When we were up at Yankanuck, J’aime and Keren came up with this idea to send grandma a newsletter every month, and call it “tell-a-gram”?. We would each take a month heading up the letter. No one ever did it, until J’aime took some intitiative last week to get us all to write a little update for grandma. When i first got the email, I tried to think of something to write about, but couldnt, so i just left it open to come back to later. It kept coming up in my mind, like while i was driving somewhere, and i still couldn’t think of anything to put in it. J’aime asked me why i didn’t reply and i said i couldnt think of anything yet, but that i would that night. I sat there, and just sat there. I have nothing to tell my grandmother. I wish i did. My grandma quit her job as a secretary 18 years ago because they wanted her to learn how to use a computer. 3 years ago, my dad bought her one of those internet appliances so she could keep intouch via email, and she wanted nothing to do with it, she wouldnt even take it out of the box. So, being that computers are the dominating force in my life, that was my first roadblock. But then, I was thinking, “certainly i do stuff other than computer stuff” but, i couldnt think of anything. I don’t go anywhere special. I see a movie here and there. I go home and hang out with my sisters. I go to walmart once a month for food. sometimes i have a class to go to. I go to work, come home, go to bed. rinse and repeat. Day after day. you’d think i’d be conscious of this, but it really hit me like a brick. What the crap am i doing? It’s like i put my life on autopilot and jumped in the backseat to take a nap. WTF. this whole awakening couldn’t have happened at a better time though. I have next week off for my birthday on wednesday and the following monday and tuesday off too. I called a friend i havent talked to in a year, have plans to go down to DC and spend time with friends there, but also do some personally rewarding things like recording some music and reading. I guess i’m just feeling like i need a bit of soul food. Works been a drag recently, so just the break alone should be good for the mental health.

I think it would be cool to be in a band that covers popular songs, only switching instruments with vocals, and perhaps even vocals with instruments. Instead of the bass player playing the bass, he’d use his voice to hum or bop the bass lines, and the drummer would do like a boombox or something, and the guitarist would sing all the chords. kinda like an a cappella/acoustic thing. I think i might try and record a song like that with me doing all the parts. Requests?

The entertainment industry is a relatively new career path. Certainly in how much those in it are getting paid. Sports, movies, television, music, all of these people make millions upon millions of dollars. I’m afraid that this trend will result in a super-class. Overtime, with more and more people entering the super-class, and with following generations of the super-class not leaving that status, their numbers grow exponentially.

it’s hard to gauge the effects, since we’re really only in the second generation of the super-class. People like liv tyler, jakob dylan, lisa marie presley, charlie sheen, and many others, are actually being re-introduced to the super-class through their own efforts, locking in their family tree for many generations to come. For a very comfortable living, for life, one would simply need to live off the interest of let’s say 80 million dollars, at 5% interest, that $400,000 a year. That’s assuming it stops at 80 million, forgetting the possibility of investments, royalties, and even supplemented income from working a day in your life.

this worries me for a few reasons.

1. it’s going to create a major schism between the social norms that exist today. Granted these schisms are already present, but not on the scale at which the people that profit from the entertainment industry is growing. It will effectively reduce middle class to low class, and I fear that low class will be supressed out of existence.

2. It will create a society that is even more driven by entertainment, commericialism, materialism, and vanity beyond comprehension. This will be basically driven by the number of people that can afford these luxuries are increasing, and the amount of money they have to spend on these areas is also increasing with every bat they swing, every movie they make, and even song they lip-sync to.

3. I think we’ll see a rise in alcoholism, drug-addiction, depression, and suicide. As the economic norm changes to include the super-class, so will the behavioral norms change to match those of the new class.

i want to get a tattoo in a place that i can’t see, like my upper right shoulder. Something small, red, and something original that i come up with. a variation of a cross or something. The point is, for me to get it without anyone knowing, and me forgetting about it since it is not in a visually travelled location for me, and i never take off my shirt. Just having that tattoo present, and me being oblivious to it, has some underlying intrigue to me. And the reaction when someone would notice it. perhaps i’m comprimising the whole ordeal by posting about it here…

ahhh, back to the josh hall we all know and love. here i am, depressed, alone, unmotivated, introverted, and not eating, only this time, i’m already 20 pounds ahead of the game. i lack direction, i lack support, i lack guidance, i lack interaction, i lack life. i watched a movie called palindromes today, and it was a terrible movie, but i did take note of one thing. one of the characters said that we all never change. we may think we do, but we don’t if we were born happy and outgoing, then at 50, we’ll be happy and outgoing. if we were born depressed and boring, then you will always be depressed and boring. it is my personality to be a person that disects everything, until there is no sentiment left. i had someone say that i was too insecure. I do not think i am insecure, but given enough reason, i can feel pretty crappy. meaning, if people call me to do something, then i’m happy. i have no reason to be insecure. I think people want to hang out with me. if i go through a list of 15 people to see if they want to go to a concert with me, and none of them want to, then i feel pretty crappy. i don’t blame them individually, i am sure they all have their reasons, i am just saying that is sucks not to have atleast 1 person not to fall back on. And it feels worse everytime it happens to me. I want to share my experiences with someone, anyone, friends, family, girlfriend, wife, perfect strangers that just have the same interest, i dont give a crap, i’m just sick of being alone. Does the world really expect people to be able to cope alone? i wasn’t made for it. i need people. and i need to be needed. I’m not insecure, i don’t base what i think about myself on what other people think, or what i think they think. i tried seeking friends in my religion, and most of those people where shams or empty. I tried seeking friends with mutual friends, and i just didnt fit in. and even with the friends that i once used to be so close to, it’s so hard to introduce new levels of friendship to what you’re used to already. I’m shallow. I’m a jerk. I’m depressed.