Personal Update

i’m not kvetching

20 October, 2005 (13:05) | Personal Update

ahhh, back to the josh hall we all know and love. here i am, depressed, alone, unmotivated, introverted, and not eating, only this time, i’m already 20 pounds ahead of the game. i lack direction, i lack support, i lack guidance, i lack interaction, i lack life. i watched a movie called palindromes today, and it was a terrible movie, but i did take note of one thing. one of the characters said that we all never change. we may think we do, but we don’t if we were born happy and outgoing, then at 50, we’ll be happy and outgoing. if we were born depressed and boring, then you will always be depressed and boring. it is my personality to be a person that disects everything, until there is no sentiment left. i had someone say that i was too insecure. I do not think i am insecure, but given enough reason, i can feel pretty crappy. meaning, if people call me to do something, then i’m happy. i have no reason to be insecure. I think people want to hang out with me. if i go through a list of 15 people to see if they want to go to a concert with me, and none of them want to, then i feel pretty crappy. i don’t blame them individually, i am sure they all have their reasons, i am just saying that is sucks not to have atleast 1 person not to fall back on. And it feels worse everytime it happens to me. I want to share my experiences with someone, anyone, friends, family, girlfriend, wife, perfect strangers that just have the same interest, i dont give a crap, i’m just sick of being alone. Does the world really expect people to be able to cope alone? i wasn’t made for it. i need people. and i need to be needed. I’m not insecure, i don’t base what i think about myself on what other people think, or what i think they think. i tried seeking friends in my religion, and most of those people where shams or empty. I tried seeking friends with mutual friends, and i just didnt fit in. and even with the friends that i once used to be so close to, it’s so hard to introduce new levels of friendship to what you’re used to already. I’m shallow. I’m a jerk. I’m depressed.

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